Author: Ian Louis Harris

Four Weddings and A Funeral had been such a big film that year, as had Liz Hurley “busting out all over” her film award dresses and as had the film’s hit song; Wet Wet Wet’s version of Love Is All Around (see below).

I gave the story my treatment – quite sparse but effective I still think:

LARGE BREASTS ARE ALL AROUND
(To the Tune of “Love is All Around”)

VERSE 1 – HUGH GRANT

I see them on the film set,
They’re bursting out of clothes,
Large breasts are all around me,
And so my feeling grows;
That siren Elle MacPherson,
And Lizzie Hurley know,
That if they want attention,
They’ve gotta let ’em show.
MIDDLE EIGHT – LIZ HURLEY

You know I love you, I always will,
Your rich since Four Weddings and a Funeril;
They say you’re brainy, but I’ll defend,
My cleavage is my own deep end.
VERSE 2 – BOTH

HUGH: I see huge breasts before me,
As I lay on my bed;
LIZ: I kinda get to thinking,
You’ve one track in your head;
HUGH: I give nice comments to you,
So why are you upset?
LIZ: Large breasts are all around you,
And you’re so wet, wet, wet.

Here is Wet Wet Wet singing Love Is All Around, with the lyrics on screen:

While we’re here – I have always liked the song and far preferred it in its original recording by the Troggs. Here is a quintessentially sixties promo video of  The Troggs on one of those old-fashioned trains.

The log says September for this lyric but the earliest electronic file is the above date.

I wrote an update of this lyric 16 July 1995:

LARGE BREASTS ARE ALL AROUND – CAUGHT WITH A HOLLYWOOD TART – SUMMER SILLY SEASON 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Love is All Around”)

VERSE 1 – HUGH GRANT

I feel you with my fingers,
And then I suck your toes;
Large breasts are all around me,
And so my feeling grows;
My girlfriend Lizzie Hurley,
And tinseltown tarts know,
I’m mad and at attention,
If they just let ’em show.

MIDDLE EIGHT – LIZ HURLEY

You know I love you, I always will,
Your rich since Four Weddings and a Funeril;
They say you’re clever, so use your brain,
One flash of tits, you go insane.

VERSE 2 – BOTH

HUGH: I see huge breasts before me,
As I lay on my bed;
LIZ: I kinda get to thinking,
You’ve one track in your head;
HUGH: I’ve told the world I’m sorry,
So why are you upset?
LIZ: Large breasts are all around you,
And you’re so wet, wet, wet.

One for completists, this. I needed to do some research to work out what I was on about.,.

…James Kelman’s Booker win and Julia Neuberger’s disliking of same.

EFFING BOOKER
(A Quickie to the Tune of “The Bonnie Banks of Loch Loman”)

SUNG IN A SERIOUSLY DEEP GLASWEGIAN HUE

You use your fine words,
While I’ll use the F word,
And I’ll win the Booker before ye;

I’ll make sure that fat cow will never speak again,
Once I’ve nutted fucking Julia Neuberg.

Completist heaven.

Here’s the original folk song with its lyrics on the screen:

I don’t think this one was used. I wasn’t at my funniest that autumn – I was taking the job of starting up Z/Yen too seriously, probably.

Michael Howard, then Home Secretary, deserved the treatment, though.

MIKE-ILL
(To the Tune of “My Girl”)

VERSE 1 – VILLAIN

I’ve got lobster in a crowded gaol,
When it’s cold outside I still crap in a pail;

CHORUS 1 – STILL WITH THE VILLAIN

I guess you’d say,
Where do crooks behave this way?
Whitemore,
Talking ’bout Whitemore, Whitemore.

VERSE 2 – MICHAEL HOWARD

I’ve got so much money the thieves envy me,
I’ve got privilege aplenty, cos I’m home secretary;

CHORUS 2 – MICHAEL HOWARD

I guess peep-ill,
Think I’m tough on crimin-ills,
Mike-ill,
Diction’s strange, Mike-ill, Mike-ill.

VERSE 3 – TERRORISTS

We don’t need no bar files baked in a cake,
We’ve got Semtex, guns and fittings for bombs that we make;

CHORUS 3

We guess your bloke’s,
Law and order’s Grade A joke,
Michael,
Howard’s crap, Michael, Michael.

Here is The Temptations singing My Girl, with lyrics on the screen:

The log suggests this was written in September but the electronic file is dated 24 October 1994.

This was all around Z/Yen start up time; I don’t recall if it was used or not…it blooming well should have been.

I DON’T WANT TO GO TO HAITI
(To the Tune of “I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea”)

VERSE 1

Photographs of Haiti’s tricks,
Could be as daft as Bay of Pigs;
Bill Clinton smokes but don’t inhale,
He launches fleets but don’t set sail;
We shafted Vietnam and we fucked up the Somalis,
We don’t sit around and talk like your Boutros Boutros Ghalis,
But when we go off to fight we look like a bunch of Charlies;

CHORUS 1

Now Bill and Raoul are in cahoots and matey,
I don’t want to go to Haiti;
Oh no, it’s not strategic,
Don’t want to end up paraplegic;
I don’t want to occupy,
I don’t want my pals to die,
I don’t give a fuck for Haiti.

VERSE 2

Photographs of Clinton’s daughter,
Her nose is bent as Shirley Porter,
She is so spoilt it’s a disgrace,
She wears her teeth in mum’s embrace;
She is a little flirt when she walks out with her waddle,
She’s a real daddies girl but he talks a load of twaddle,
So she can’t walk and fart without getting in a muddle;

CHORUS 2

They say she keeps fit but she looks so unhealthy,
I don’t want to go with Chelsea;
Oh no she won’t get tongue-kissed,
Until she’s seen her orthodontist;
I don’t want to meet her folks,
Those Clintons are a bunch of jokes,
I don’t want to go with Chelsea.

Even if you don’t like my lyric, here is Elvis singing I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea with the lyrics on screen – worth the price of admission alone:

Postscript: proof positive that the lyric was used and that it must have been written in late September 1994 originally. John Random has uncovered the running order from the October 6th week – see below.

They say that comedy = tragedy plus time…

…well this news story about a fatal accident when a Roll-on/roll-off ferry capsized had insufficient time distance to be made into comedy. Or possibly simply couldn’t ever be made into comedy.

I assigned the intellectual property rights to the RNLI for this one, but it never got that far. Still, they’ve had plenty of my dosh other ways since.

_ ROLLING ON, ROLLING OFF _

(To the Tune of “Knowing Me, Knowing You”)

CHORUS

Rolling on, rolling off,
{ah-haaaaaa}
Safety checks were not enough;
Rolling on, rolling off,
{ah-haaaaaa}
The Baltic Sea is cold when you’re in the buff.
{fucking cold when in the buff}
Hyperthermia’s not freezing I know,
But my blood won’t flow;
We were all rolling off,
Cos these ferries are duff.

Below is a video of Abba singing Knowing Me Knowing You with lyrics on the screen: