The Children’s Society Cricket Match, Regent’s Park, 24 August 2000

I came across an entry in my diary for 24 August 2000 which had me completely…

…forgive the pun…

stumped.

17:00 Children’s Society, Regent’s Park

I couldn’t remember a thing about this event. It certainly wasn’t a Z/Yen thing.

Following some archaeology on the old e-mails, I ascertained that this was some sort of a match between The Children’s Society and Cable and Wireless; but still nothing came back to my memory.

It was clear from the e-mail trail that both Nigel and Chas had been involved with this match, so I wrote to both of them to see if they had any recollection of this event.

I needn’t have worried – yes they did.

Their replies were so comprehensive…

…and amusing…

…that with a little bit of sub-editing they made a very jolly two-hander for the King Cricket website, which published the piece in January 2018 – click here or below to read the piece.

Charity cricket in Regent’s Park – match report

If by any chance the King Cricket link doesn’t work, I have scraped the piece to here.

To my mind, this is one of the wonderful things about Ogblog – an opportunity to re-engage such memories. Sometimes an event that was not so memorable for me might have been, for some reason, especially memorable for someone else.

Nigel – still shouting from the rooftops about the August 2000 match, perhaps?

My First Ever Book Signing, Clean Business Cuisine (the book), Actors’ Workshop Halifax (the venue), Yet Something Was Missing, 5 July 2000

Clean Business Cuisine, Released 30 June 2000

Michael Mainelli and I, (through Milet, our publisher and Tanya Aslan whom we assigned to the promotion task), organised an intensive promotion campaign around the book, starting with an opportunistic book signing in Yorkshire 5 July.

I had a long association with Mike Ward and The Actor’s Workshop (as it was then called), mostly through my song lyrics.

Mike had started writing plays by 2000. As coincidence would have it, the first of these; The Elland Affair, was due to launch around the same time as Clean Business Cuisine.

Further, I had written some extensive programme notes for The Elland Affair – click here or below:

Programme Notes For The Elland Affair by Mike Ward, I Wrote The Notes 9 May 2000

So, Mike and I hatched the plan that my first book signing would be on the night of the gala premier of The Elland Affair; 5 July 2000.

This would have been a grand plan, had advance copies the book arrived when expected; a couple of weeks before the big night. But of course…

…anyway, the publishers pulled out all the stops, had a box or two of the first batch of books diverted to me for Halifax purposes and I went off on a mini road trip, most of the details of which are lost in the physical diary scrawl and only limited use of e-mail back then.

I know I went via my alma mater, because this e-mail from Professor Lawrence survives:

Dear Tanya,

Thanks for diverting Ian to Keele – it was good to see him and hear about the book. He left me with copies for colleagues and this email is partly to let you know how to chase me up- this is better than the phone!

Take care,

Peter

Janie must have joined me by train to Halifax, as my diary scribble shows that I booked bed and breakfast for two at the Imperial Crown, Halifax, £95. (The price has barely changed in 18 years, I note, while writing in September 2018). We went on to The White Swan, Pickering afterwards – our first visit there – the following year we made our second visit there ahead of visiting Mike’s next production of his own work.  

Anyway, I am pretty sure I met Janie at the hotel where I changed into my evening suit (Gala Evenings at The Actors’ Workshop were black tie affairs) and Janie changed into her glad rags.

Then off we set to get to the theatre early, for my first ever book signing and the show.

Mike Ward had kindly arranged a small stack of my books on a prominent table for me. I sat at the chair and a small queue of eager locals (is there no word for people from Halifax? Hartlepool folk are known as Monkey Hangers, for example), formed to procure and have their en primeur book signed.

I reached into my jacket pocket and discovered…a vacancy. I had no pen in my pocket.

I had turned up to my first ever book signing, without a pen.

Strangely, just to add to my embarrassment, finding a suitable pen for book signing at a place like the Actors’ Workshop was a non-trivial matter. Plenty of marker pens and thick felt tip pens to be found, but it took a while for someone to find a regular type of pen that would look right for book signing.

Still, once that initial (albeit existential problem in the matter of book signing) had been resolved, the rest of the evening passed very successfully. Not only the signing, but the play was well received and I seem to recall a most excellent meal at Mike and Lottie’s place late in the evening, once all of the theatrical excitement was over.

The Elland Affair by Mike Ward, The Actor’s Workshop, 5 July 2000

I have described the book signing aspect of this event in excruciating detail in a separate piece – click here or below.

I have also set out the programme notes I wrote for The Elland Affair – click here.

But what of the show itself?

Well, it seems I gave it a rave review at the time and also assembled some other reviews electronically. I have no idea how or why this information ended up in a “miscellaneous” file on my computer – it looks like a scrape from an on-line something-or-other from back in the mists of time. Anyway, I have just (11 Match 2023) discovered/recovered it, dated 19 July 2000, so here is the contemporaneous reviews of many:

Nicola Sedgefield
Play: The Elland Affair

The Actor’s Workshop Youth Theatre’s latest production, Mike Ward’s ‘The Elland Affair’ is not for the squeamish or sexually repressed.

This orgy of rampant testosterone exposes the physical abilities, acting skills as well as most of the flesh of a group of Yorkshire lads (I presume) who would win hands down in any contest of entertainment against ‘The Chippendales’. With the Workshop lads, what you see is clearly what you get.

Gore as well as sex is plentiful as our fearless heroes plot and ultimately exact revenge on the dastardly Sir John Eland and his thugs. If these lads had been on hand to fight the later Wars of the Roses, Henry VII and all those Tudors would never have made it.

It was a long show, but I wouldn’t have missed it.

Review by: Ian Harris
Play: The Elland Affair

I enjoyed the play immensely. Before taking the world by storm with it, I think Mike Ward would do well to reduce the length by some 30 to 45 minutes. But even in its full length form, there’s enough really good stuff to maintain one’s attention throughout.

The Elland Affair is not for the squeamish or prudish, as other reviewers have no doubt pointed out. But then 1327 probably wasn’t a good time for squeams and prudes to be alive.

A tough but worthwhile assignment this, for a small youth theatre. The broad sword fighting scenes alone must have needed an enormous amount of rehearsal (and muscle building) but were pulled off with great aplomb.

Other youth theatres should take a look at this play and, if suitably ambitious, should do well with it.

Superb programme notes, I thought. (He would say that, wouldn’t he?)

Seriously, well done to author, director, cast and crew.

Review by: Mr G Phillips
Play: The Elland Affair

Yet again the actors workshop has pulled off another excellent performance – ‘The Elland Affair’, superbly written and superbly performed, and it does not cease to amaze me.

Although one or two mistakes were made, and it showed to a certain extent, it was understandable because of all the lines that needed to be learnt.

Kristian Wilkinson played an excellent part as Adam, also Thomas Vickery as Hugh, and they both worked well together showing that they had put a lot of time and effort into the production.

The one character that didn’t really stand out was Harry he could have been played a lot better, Christopher Cockroft did not prove to be much as there was no ‘umph’ behind his lines.

My wife thinks that the the one person that did stand out, even though he did not have a big part, was Aaron. He stood out with his witty humour on how he thought that he was a ‘sex god’ – very well played by Shane Gough. The thing that made him stand out is that he would always turn up at the right moment.’Hope to see him again’ she says.

Which also shows how well the play was written. Even though it was a bit long, there is not a single scene which I can think to leave out, one or two lines maybe, but none of the scenes.

Well done to Mr Ward and I can’t wait for your next one – I assume you are going to write one.

P.S don’t listen to Margaret Woods, you guys are doing a fantastic job and some of you could be the future of television.

Review by: Steve Cattell
Play: The Elland Affair

This was about my fourth outing to an Actor’s Workshop production, and by far the most enjoyable yet.

I had been fore-warned about the length of the play, but felt that the length was justified to contain the full story – a story which has been excellently written by Mike Ward.

Full marks to Kristian for learning so many lines !! What this must have done to his social life over the past two months is anyones guess !! and also a great performance by his right hand man who put in a blinding performance – a natural on the stage.

And of course, I have to mention the star of the show (although I am slightly biased !!!), Grace Siddall – who proved once more that a career in acting is definately looking promising…..

Keep writing Mike, it keeps us entertained…..

Review by: Mr F Smith
Play: The Elland Affair

I must say that my evening at the Actors Workshop was superb whilst seeing the ‘Elland affair’.

I thought that everyone took on the challenge of being 13th century teenagers very well and it was obvious that they had all completly focused on the task.

My only fault was that occasionally the play was disrupted by loud backstage noise.

I also thought that the role of Harry De’lacey slightly lacked confidence.

Review by: A. Ward
Play: The Elland Affair

A great world premiere.

A highly enjoyable swashbuckling tale of revenge, treachery, and humanity – one that will surely see future stagings throughout the country.

A trifle long – particularly the second Act – but this was a mere flesh wound to the body of work as a whole.

Some fine performances and some intriguingly insightful writing touches.

I suggest a sequel – ‘Confessions of a Miller’s Wife’…….

Review by: J.B.W.Summerskill
Play: The Elland Affair

I sat in awe last week as I watched the Mike Ward work ‘The Elland Affair’. I thought it was the best show the company performed that I have seen.

With its carefully woven themes of loyalty, love, friendship and hatred thumping into the audience with welcome regularity, I was kept on my toes laughing and gasping throughout. Many congratulations to all on an exciting and provocative story which could be adapted into a blockbusting production on stage or screen were it to fall into the “wrong” hands.

No doubt Janie and I also enjoyed lavish hospitality at the hands of Mike and Lottie Ward after the show that night…

…after I had returned the pen(s) to their rightful owner(s).

Programme Notes For The Elland Affair by Mike Ward, I Wrote The Notes 9 May 2000

THE ELLAND AFFAIR by MIKE WARD

PROGRAMME NOTES

 

The Elland Feud

The play “The Elland Affair” (pronounced ‘ee-land’) is based on The Elland Feud of the early 14th Century.  Many details of the story are lost in the mists of time, and the few remaining reports of the events vary.  Nevertheless, accounts of the main facts of this sorry affair are consistent.  Sir John Elland, the High Sheriff of York, had a grudge against Sir Robert Beaumont of Crosland Hall, near Huddersfield as a result of an earlier feud between their respective allies.  One outcome of the earlier feud was the death of Sir John Elland’s nephew at the hand of Exley, a kinsman of Sir Robert Beaumont.

Sir John Elland’s appalling murder of Sir Robert Beaumont and several of his neighbours, friends and relations defies description by a gentle author of programme notes.  We’ll leave it to the playwright (through the mouths of his characters) to describe the butchery.  Suffice it to say that Elland’s murderous attack is an historical fact.  Those murders probably took place in 1317 or shortly thereafter.  “The Elland Affair”, mercifully, is not the story of Sir John Elland’s rampage, rather it is the story of its consequences.

Lady Beaumont (Sir Robert’s widow) fled to Lancashire with her young sons together with several sons of Elland’s other victims and enemies.  These boys trained themselves in the arts of fighting and swore to avenge the blood of their fathers once they reached manhood.   “The Elland Affair”, set in 1327, covers these young men’s last few days in Lancashire and their return to West Yorkshire in search of vengeance.

 

Government

England was still a feudal society in the early 14th century; the monarch held absolute power.  Regionally, the nobility and gentry could do pretty much as they pleased, subject to Royal Command.  Edward II was on the throne at the start of the Elland Feud and met his uncomfortable demise in 1327, the year in which “The Elland Affair” takes place.  There are several references to the new King in the play, so clearly Edward III had just succeeded the throne.  Edward II was a weak King who probably exercised little control over his barons, hence failing to prevent ugly incidents like the Elland Feud.  By contrast, Edward III was to achieve a long (50 years), profligate (England was nearly bankrupt) but relatively stable reign.  By the time Edward III died, in 1377, the Plantagenet line had thinned somewhat (he was succeeded by his grandson, Richard II), rival houses of Lancaster and York felt they had valid claims to the succession and the Wars of the Roses resulted.

The theatrical world has made earlier in-roads into this patchy period of English history.  Christopher Marlowe wrote a play about Edward II and his unseemly end.  William Shakespeare wrote a Richard II and plays about the subsequent “Wars of the Roses” monarchs.  Poor old Edward III, despite (or possibly because of) his 50 stable years of power, has tended to be confined to bit parts or passing mentions in plays about others.  “The Elland Affair” perpetuates this great tradition of English drama.  The characters of “The Elland Affair” weren’t to know, of course, that relative political stability had just arrived.  They were to some extent the victims of Edward II’s political weakness and lived in hope of better government under the new King.

 

Famine

Prior to the early 14th century, local food shortages and resulting starvation were relatively common, sporadic occurrences in Europe.  At any one location, however, famine was rare.  On the whole, food production had increased in line with the population growth.  Standards of living increased steadily in the five hundred years leading up to 1300.  As a result, there was a “baby boom” in the early part of the 14th Century.  Tragically, climatic changes caused several successive disastrous harvests: 1315, 1316 and 1317.  The crop failures, together with the larger population to feed, resulted in the Great Famine of early 14th Century Europe.  The famine was far worse in mainland Europe than in Great Britain, but there still were widespread food shortages and starvation in Britain during the famine.  All classes suffered, although the working classes took the brunt of the misfortune.  The Elland Feud itself might, in part, be explained by the shortages and the Barons’ attempts to maintain their standards of living in difficult times.

Under the prevailing economic circumstances, the Abbot’s generosity towards the Beaumont family and the other young men was immense.   When the Abbot asks Adam and his entourage to leave for good, he might have made the request in part for fear of reprisal, but he probably mainly sought relief from the burden of feeding so many additional mouths.

When one of the young fighters tosses some bread to one of the servants, this is a significant act of generosity, which is accepted greedily.  When Betsy resists the young men’s requests on the grounds that she might lose her job, she is not being a “jobsworth” in the modern sense; she literally fears for her very livelihood.  A servant losing their job in such difficult times might have struggled to survive the loss.  When Ozzie says “half the world is starving”, he shows laudable concern for the world around him.  In fact, by 1327, Europe’s food supply had more or less recovered, but it had taken some ten years to do so and the characters of the play would not have known the extent of the recovery beyond their locality.  The famine changed society and attitudes in the long term.

 

Dirt and Plague

One consequence of poverty caused by the famine was a diminution in hygiene.  Although we tend to think of the Middle Ages as an unwashed era, in fact personal hygiene was relatively advanced at the start of the 14th Century.  Public bath houses were common in England until the time of the Great Famine.  Cleanliness was one of the first things to go in the poverty which followed the famine.  “The Elland Affair” characters probably all needed a good bath and little understood the benefits of personal hygiene.

The unwashed era unhappily coincided with, and almost certainly exacerbated, the Black Death, the plague which swept Western Europe (including England) some 30 years after the Elland affair.  In fact, 1327, the year in which “The Elland Affair” is set, was the year in which the Black Death was first reported, thousands of miles from Elland, somewhere in the Gobi Desert region.   No-one in “The Elland Affair” says “a plague on both your houses”, which is probably just as well.  The line would not only be horribly derivative (see “Romeo & Juliet”) but also painfully ironic.  Very few of the young characters in the play would have made it past the age of fifty, even in the absence of the Elland Feud and the late Crusades.

 

Festering Vengeance

The Elland Feud preceded the Wars of the Roses by some 100 years, but many of the characteristics of that war were already in place; territorial rivalry across the Pennines, long standing feuds and festering vengeance.  Before we tut-tut too loudly about these primitive medieval people, let us not forget that similar bloody situations still subsist.   The six counties of Northern Island and the various Balkan crises are relatively recent, local examples.  In Central Asia and Africa there are many more examples; Afghanistan and Rwanda are well-known examples, Nagorno-Karabach and Eritrea are two of the many less well-known but long-running examples.

The long-festering “need” for revenge so evident in the Elland Feud and these more global examples is baffling to many of us.  Seeking vengeance is relatively common, so seems to form part of “the human condition”, yet many humans seem equally capable of contrary characteristics; forgiveness, “letting bygones be bygones” and not bearing grudges.  Many of us, if we are honest with ourselves, are easily confused by the moral dilemmas we face if we are irrevocably wronged.  Should we try to “put matters right” (seek vengeance) or uphold our principles by abstaining from behaviour we believe to be wrong.  Our response of course depends on many factors; the circumstances, our individual morality and our psychology being just three of the factors.

In the play, “The Elland Affair”, the complexity and diversity of human responses to being wronged is especially evident in the characters of the Beaumont brothers.  Edgar, the elder brother, has gone into the church and has opted to “turn the other cheek”.  Adam, the younger brother, has his heart set on unmitigated vengeance against Sir John Elland.  The church might be seen as a dampening influence on the human desire for revenge, but this seems overly simplistic.  In the era of the play, the crusades were, to a large part, vengeance wars, fought in the name of and with the blessing of organised religion.  The Knights Templar, who coincidentally had been routed shortly before the events of “The Elland affair”, were in effect monk-knights.  Also consider modern examples; one only has to think of the Reverend Ian Paisley and his supporters to realise that the church can still be equivocal on this issue.  In the play, Edgar’s cheek turning is equivocal.  On several occasions, Edgar acts to assist his brother’s campaign, despite Edgar’s persistent use of the language of reconciliation.  The Abbot, although comparatively disinterested, also behaves equivocally on this matter.  Their responses are all-too human.

 

Weaponry

One of the best historical accounts of  “The Elland Feud” is contained in the early 19th Century book, The Book of Archery, in the section entitled “Juvenile Bowmen”.  The years the young heroes the play spent learning to fight are cited in that account:

“they laboured to acquire dexterity in such martial exercises as were calculated to render them dextrous in the anticipated game of death; namely riding, tilting, the sword, and shooting in the long bow, then England’s most famous and redoubtable artillery”.

The young men’s obsession with their improved arrows and the quantity of arrows they would have to hand is quite understandable in the context.  Firstly, these factors were likely to be matters of life and death in the venture they were pursuing.  Secondly, their mastery of their weaponry would have been their main preoccupation for the years leading up to the revenge.

 

Living for Today

The young men in “The Elland Affair” live life for today.  Their irresponsible attitude towards women and the consequences of their sexual activity is extreme by modern standards in our society, even for young Yorkshiremen hanging around in Lancashire.  These were young men from “good families” who had been raised in a religious community.  Their behaviour at times seems very immature and reckless to us.  Consider, however, the circumstances of these particular young men.  They lived in uncertain times and would not have anticipated living long lives in the way we half expect to do so today.  If the feud didn’t get you, the famine might.  If not the famine, perhaps disease.  If not disease, perhaps the Crusading.

The protagonists in “The Elland Affair” had little to lose.  Younger brothers did not expect to inherit.  Any inheritances that might have been in the offing in these particular families had probably been seriously dented as a result of the feud and the untimely deaths of the fathers. Even within modern society today, we can observe this “living for today” attitude more often amongst those who have little to lose.  We observe it in Britain; consider high levels of drug use and extreme promiscuity in economically deprived, urban areas.  Consider also the even more extreme behaviours in Sub-Saharan Africa where apparent sexual recklessness causes severe economic, social and medical problems, not least through AIDS and high birth rates.

In “The Elland Affair”, despite their upbringing in the religious community, the young men are secular in attitude.  Medieval society had a strangely extreme divide between celibate sacred society and bawdy secular society.   “The Elland Affair” protagonists had clearly plugged for bawdy secular and were making the most of it while they could.

 

Friendship & Loyalty

The friendships between the main co-conspirators of “The Elland Affair” (Adam, Harry, Robert and Huck) are intense.  Indeed, their unity transcends what most of us achieve and seek in friendship.  After all, these young men share a common trauma, upbringing and purpose beyond most of our experience.

The other friends and supporters of the co-conspirators are not so intensely linked with each other or with the main protagonists, although they are what most of us would consider friends.  They are also loyal, apart from the one traitorous exception in the plot.

When it becomes apparent that one of the party is a traitor, there is little suspicion amongst the main co-conspirators, as their bond is so tight.  However, they are unable to identify the traitor, as they believe the whole party to be good and/or old friends.

The characters in this play raise many fundamental questions about friendship and loyalty; here is a small sample: What is the difference between friendship and kinship?  Can bonding transcend “mere” friendship, and what is that experience beyond friendship?  Does friendship presuppose loyalty?  How does one earn  friendship and loyalty?  Can friendship and loyalty be bought, or does the existence of price indicate that the friendship or loyalty were never there?

Adam Beaumont is a charismatic character.  Although a (self-confessed) flawed leader, he inspires friendship and loyalty.  Indeed, Adam’s followers at times seem like disciples in a biblical sense.  Of course, neither the audience nor the characters learn the answers to all the questions about friendship and loyalty raised by the play.  But most of us (who survive the experience) end up a little wiser and a lot more thoughtful.

 

 

Passion

“The Elland Affair” is in many ways a Passion play.  The young men are passionate in their amours, albeit in a somewhat immature and offhand way.  More importantly, they believe passionately in their cause and are willing to follow their cause to the death, if need be.  There are also many parallels with Christ’s Passion.  The plot and ending vary in several material ways from Christ’s Passion.  Nevertheless the play contains similar inevitabilities; the return to confront one’s fate, the blind faith of followers, the anticipated betrayal for money, ideals which transcend logic. Whether you agree with the young men’s actions or not, their passion is admirable.  Despite the fact that the main characters followed a secular rather than a sacred path in life, several Elland Feud survivors are reputed to have “kept their fighting arms in” by going crusading after the feud.  Some people never learn.  Or perhaps they felt the need to perpetuate the intensity and passion of their friendships in adversity.

Open Letter To King Of Bhutan, 26 March 2000

The forced labour Janie and I witnessed in Bhutan was, to say the least, bugging me. The night of 25/26 March, ahead of our last full day, I found myself unable to sleep for fretting about it.

I decided that night to write an open letter to the King, which I would ask Pema to deliver via Kuensel after Janie and I had flown out of the country. My ruse, to render Pema blameless for the content of a letter which might be deemed to be criticising the King, was to tell Pema that the letter was a thank you letter to the editor of Kuensel for publishing, a few days earlier, my letter with thoughts about the Bhutanese stock exchange.

Criticising the King of Bhutan was, at that time, a criminal offence subject to imprisonment, hence my extreme caution and in depth planning to arrange the timed delivery of my 26 March letter via my wise and savvy friend Pema.

I was not expecting the letter to be published in Kuensel and suspected that the letter might not find its way directly to the King, but I had written out a full draft in my log book and planned to send the letter to various relevant parties on my return to England. That I did, a few week’s later.

The Economist didn’t publish the letter, but word did reach me from Bill Emmott that he had passed the letter on to the Economist journalist who was working on pieces about Bhutan. I recall the matter of forced labour in Bhutan being raised in occasional Economist pieces in the subsequent months/years, which I sensed was, to some extent, informed by my letter.

26 March 2000: Forced labourers briefly relieved by “have-a-go-hero” volunteer, Janie

Interestingly and more directly, a few month’s later, I received a phone call “out of the blue” from an investigator at the International Labour Organisation. He was very hesitant and cautious with me, explaining that the call was entirely informal and off the record. Contacting complainants was not part of the protocol, but, he explained, the ILO had received several communications about this topic and he wondered whether I could provide him with some more specific evidence about what we had seen, where and when we had seen it, etc.

I spent some time on the phone with the ILO dude, delving into my log and photos, explaining in as much detail as I could the sightings that had motivated me to write my letter.

At the end of the call, he told me that I had been very helpful and/but that he would not be able to communicate with me formally, either to thank me or to let me know what the ILO had done/was planning to do. He did assure me, however that the ILO was pursing the matter.

I’ve no idea whether my letter had any practical impact at all. I was well-connected in the international voluntary sector world at the time and I do remember discussing the matter with one or two knowledgeable people who suggested that the issue was a “banging head against a brick wall” matter at that time in Bhutan.

But my small intervention might have helped change the mood a tiny bit, or helped others to move the dial a little towards improved conditions and/or circumstances for labourers on public works in Bhutan. If so, I’d gladly raise a glass of ara to that:

Cheers, Pema.

Dinner With Mike Ward At Silks & Spice In Foley Street, 15 December 1998

I know that Mike and I had tried to meet up for dinner in London a few times in the mid 1990s without success. This might even have been the first time that our diaries conspired to enable us to meet for dinner in The Smoke. We dined in Silks and Spice

We certainly weren’t conspiring in the manner of Bryce Taylor & Max Clifford, who famously had liaised in that very restaurant in the matter of Princess Diana photographs a few years earlier. Nor would we have been discussing my Princess Diana lyrics, e.g. this one, which to all intents and purposes died with her the previous year.

But no doubt we were discussing his forthcoming Actor’s Workshop New Year Revels show and possibly his plans for writing a couple of plays and shows, which Mike wrote and produced over the next few years.

I remember the restaurant being quite a good one. it is now, 25 years later, Foley’s Restaurant, a modern fusion take on South-east Asian food. Just around the corner from the old Harris family homestead, as I now know. Back then, who knew? Well, I sort-of knew but didn’t pay the matter much heed back then.

Mike and I will have had a very pleasant evening no doubt.

Windows, A Lyric For Charles And Mike, 29 June 1998

Image produced in collaboration with Dall-E

In honour of Charley “The Gent Malloy” Bartlett’s impending visit to Lord’s today (as I write on 21 April 2017) I was reminded of the following lyric.

It is one of the very last I wrote using Amipro and therefore part of the batch I am trying to rescue onto Ogblog before my old computer passes away…

…and the subject matter, ironically, is IT. I wrote this (and several others for The Children’s Society Windows Rollout team) ahead of a team end of project session at Wadderton.

The project parodied in the song was sensibly written up in a seminal piece by me and Charles for the charity press (NGO Finance) a few months later – click here if you want to know about it.

Charles likes a bit of metal – both the IT and musical variety, so the choice of tune was, I think, a good one. I wonder what Charles will think of this well-geeky lyric nearly 20 years on?

PLANNING A ROLLOUT OF WINDOWS
(Epic To the Tune of “Stairway To Heaven”)
VERSE 1

There’s a fellow whose mode-,
-em is not Dacom Gold,
And the name of that bloke is Charles Bartlett;
When he breaks wind you’ll know,
As the windows are closed,
If that noise was a burp or a fartlett.
Mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm,
And he’s planning a rollout of Windows.

VERSE 2

There’s a sign on the door,
Cos he wants to be sure,
And the sign reads “IT room, no entry”;
I suspect that the room’s,
Got NS Optimum’s,
Entire stock ’til the end of the century.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.

VERSE 3

There’s a feeling I get,
When I call the helpdesk,
That they and Z/Yen are drinking Bacardi;
I get fine, rum advice,
‘Tho’ they ask in a trice,
Tony Duggan or Michael Bernardi.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.
Ooooooooooh, and it makes me wonder.

VERSE 4

And it’s whispered that soon,
Yes by the end of June,
TCS will have rolled out completely;
ITSOs and Marion,
Will still carry on,
FMI Windows training discretely.

VERSE 5

If there’s a gremlin in your Windows,
Don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a browser from Bill Gates;
Yes there are two paths you can go by,
But in the long run,
He’ll make you buy Windows 98.
Ooooooooh, that’s how he’s made his fortune.

VERSE 6

Your modem’s humming but you don’t know,
Because it’s so slow,
If you’ve got e-mail or been forsook;
Perhaps the server’s full of e-trash,
Or had a head crash,
Or just can’t load Microsoft Outlook.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(AIR GUITAR BREAK)

VERSE 7

Charles and Mike Smith have bought the road,
I’m talking Tottenham Court Road;
Up walks the lady we all know (“watcha Mangal”),
Whose eyes light up to say “hello,
What have you guys bought from the stores?
We have to budget very hard,
None of that corporate charge card,
This recent rollout really shows, (yeh)
That Windows costs a lot of dough.”

OUTRO – MIKE AND CHARLES’ REPLY

“We were buying some spares and cheap modems”.

Here is Led Zeppelin singing Stairway To Heaven with the lyrics shown on screen. I can do a passable Stairway on the baritone ukulele, btw, but I’m not expecting Chas to ask for a performance. Mike Smith, on the other hand, might insist upon it…

Guest Piece by Nigel Hinks: The Birth Of The Heavy Rollers Tradition, Edgbaston, June 1998, Including The Revelations And Acts That Led To The Birth

2023 marks the 25th anniversary of the very first Heavy Rollers day watching cricket – on 4 June 1998 – when Nigel “Father Barry” Hinks, Charles “Charley The Gent Malloy” Bartlett, “Big Papa Zambezi” Jeff Tye, David “David Peel” Steed & Paul “Fifth Beatle” Griffiths witnessed the first day of the test series between England & South Africa at Edgbaston.
In this guest piece, Nigel reflects on the tradition that started that day and the events that led to its birth. Questions such as “How did we get here?” and “Why curtains?” I add to the piece with theological and ethnomethodological interpretations of Nigel’s epiphany, plus, more importantly, some pictures and cricket links.
My initiation into the tradition itself was the following year, 1999 – you may see a write up of that occasion by clicking here or the link below.

The Heavy Rollers Tradition

A quarter of a century ago an early gathering of cricket enthusiasts assembled before a more buoyant South African touring side than exists currently. The tight group of participants applauded the carefully negotiated seating, oblivious to the fact that this would one day swell to eleven; the perfect accommodation arrangements (courtesy of The Children’s Society’s residential training centre) and the prospect of emergent friendships, forged through shared cricketing passions.


‘Yard’ cricket games would take place in one garden adjacent to a severe slope that would once take down Charley when in ever- increasing pursuit of a forward defensive gaining pace down the hill; and within public spaces that would entice inner-city youths to “come and have a go” in the best possible tradition. Indoor nets alongside the real thing have even been secured. No one could forget the pre-Ashes game in the garden fashioned from a farmer’s field by Big Jeff, where a surprise-addition associate walked-off with both of the tacky commemorative trophies.


Nobody could have predicted the longevity of this annual pursuit. When the familiar, and sometimes less so, would gleefully reconvene. Life’s troubles, work stresses were forgotten immediately insults, and warm greetings, began to be exchanged.


The crucial purchasing of tickets has been handed on baton-like, never once dropped until the best seats are secured. The catering responsibilities likewise, although the standards set by Mrs Malloy remain beyond any imitation, with personally labelled sandwiches for the fussy and egg-phobic in colour-coded wrapping.

Or, indeed, how this creation would withstand the accusations of elitism, vain efforts by senior personnel to muscle-in on the action, the eventual disintegration of our prized accommodation and, more poignantly, the redundancy of several Rollers.

Such was the strength, and singularity of purpose, as these cricket-friends, undeterred by adversity, toured a variety of alternative venues, some appalling and others more convivial (See links to pieces referencing Harborne Hall and The Hotel from Hell).

Beechwood Hotel Latterly Renamed But Seemingly neither Refurbished nor Reopened

Second generation Rollers have been initiated, along with some of their mates, with one or two notable “one-hit wonders” who came and went. Other respected Associates were also invited to make repeat appearances.

That First Day Of Heavy Rollers At The Cricket: 4 June 1998

Memories fade. The 1998 Heavy Rollers day is the least documented and most temporally remote, nearly 25 years later. Yet the cast of characters (five) was documented many years ago, in 2012, during our rain -ruined sojourn. The following snippets emerge from me (Ian) interviewing Nigel.

The tradition of most rollers staying overnight at Wadderton and dining together the night before the match would have been initiated. Only Paul “Fifth Beatle” Griffiths simply joined the Heavy Rollers at the ground on the day (legend has it arriving late and leaving early).

Jeff Tye’s prediction betting game was there, at least in embryonic form. Paul struggled to engage with the game realistically, either because he really had no idea how a test match day tends to pan out or perhaps as an act of rebellion against the game. But everyone else participated as best they could.

David Steed will have made a superb picnic, much like the one depicted alongside the headline of the 1999 Heavy Rollers piece (the photo actually showing David’s splendid 2003 spread). David’s picnic – in particular the wine – would no doubt have triggered the traditional Sneed snooze.

Nigel – reflecting at Wadderton, 2003 – photo by Charles

Indeed, the post-lunch wooziness that affected all Heavy Rollers who chose to imbibe might well have induced a reflective phase in Nigel’s mind. “How did we get here? What sequence of events has led to this glorious day at the cricket with friends? What might it all mean?”

The answers to those tricky questions will lead us down many thought paths and to several prior events. But if I am to deconstruct Nigel’s answer to one word, that word is “curtains”.

How A Search For Curtains Revealed The Inner Truth Of Nigel’s Faith In Cricket, January 1995

DALL-E 2 imagining: “curtains of fine woven linen and blue, purple, and scarlet thread; with artistic designs of cherubim”

On the Monday [5th day] of that January 1995 Adelaide Test, I had decided to take a little time out of the cricket to-and-froing underway at the Adelaide Oval. I had already witnessed Mike Gatting’s retirement after his final Test century, and five-ball duck; a moody Glen McGrath when not selected; Craig McDermott’s late entry after the previous evening’s dodgy crocodile dinner; plus, together with Geoff, my scouse-Aussie mate, a forceful exchange of views about Mike Atherton’s captaincy credentials with the late Tony Greig, by the wheelie-bins.

Thus I sought solace in my host’s offer…..to go shopping…..for bedroom curtains.


What possessed this decision to accompany Mercedes (Geoff’s wife), a delightful Spanish-Aussie, to buy curtains from a low-budget retail outlet in the port area of the City, will remain a mystery.

It has been suggested that accompanying Mercedes was an ideal antidote to Greg Blewett’s maiden century on debut, and 40 degree centigrade temperatures. But, curtains? For goodness sake.


The curtain spotting excursion was progressing as only these things can, until Geoff, my Scouse-Aussie mate, managed to convey (via one of those new-fangled mobile phones) something of the excitement now unfolding [at the Adelaide Oval] that would make any further curtain exploration instantly less appealing. In fairness Geoff had consistently eschewed the idea of curtain shopping and was now fully vindicated.

He made it known that we had to get to the Oval asap, as Phil De Freitas was in the process of doing something far more attention-worthy than the selection of a durable, mid-priced fabric for a teen’s [Geoff & Mercedes daughter, Carmen’s, to be specific] bedroom. Consequently, following the De Freitas wonder-knock, and equally memorable bowling from Chris Lewis and Devon Malcolm, England secured what was once a very unlikely victory.


It is here that the gossamer-thin, embryonic conception that would eventually create the Heavy Rollers begins to emerge. It was in the post match euphoria, just after David Gower added his signature to that of former captains, M J Atherton and……D A Reeve, that I promised myself that I would be witness to [at least part of] all further Ashes series when back home. To do so with cricket loving colleagues and friends would be my ambition, but just how to make it a reality didn’t yet enter my thoughts; it was still just a dream.

The Adelaide Oval some 10 years later
Interviewing Nigel some 28 years after the exciting events of the 1994/95 4th Ashes Test at the Adelaide Oval, it was clear that none of the sense of euphoria from that day has departed Nigel’s soul. It was one of those life-affirming, never-to-be-forgotten memories that remains vivid for Nigel – it was a cricket epiphany.
I have investigated Biblical references to curtains to try and understand the profound meaning of this particular epiphany. In Exodus 26, the curtains for the Tabernacle are specified in some detail.

“Moreover you shall make the tabernacle with ten curtains of fine woven linen and blue, purple, and scarlet thread; with artistic designs of cherubim you shall weave them. The length of each curtain…”

Intriguingly the very first thing that God specifies for the building of the Tabernacle is the curtains. Personally I’d start with the structural stuff, but then I couldn’t create much in six days, let alone the entire universe and all that is in it, so what do I know?
Emanuel Swedenborg believed that the significance of the “curtains” in that Exodus 26 passage is the interior truths of faith. Thus it was fitting that Nigel went in search of curtains on the morning of the 5th day of that 4th Test at Adelaide, when his faith in cricket was failing him; yet also the very day when, just a few hours later, the interior truths of his cricketing faith were revealed to him.
On the other hand, for all we know, poor Carmen – Geoff and Mercedes daughter – might never have been bought the promised curtains. Nigel neither knows nor cares whether the aborted shopping trip was ever rescheduled. Carmen’s side of this story, a sorry tale of teenage disappointment at the hands of her parents and their visitor, might be intriguing in all sorts of ways.

Here is a link to the 1994/95 4th Ashes Test at Adelaide scorecard.

Below is a 24 minute highlights package.

The Day Nigel Delivered On the First Bit Of His Self-Promise: Day One Of The 1997 Ashes, Edgbaston, 5 June 1997

A different England v Australia Day At Edgbaston around that time

The groundworks were to be dug still further in June 1997 when I made my introduction with Charley at the residential training centre [Wadderton], the venue for future Heavy Roller gatherings.

I was buoyant, if rather red-nosed, after the first day of play
at Edgbaston, when Australia had been bowled out for just 118. An exciting Test was now in motion, despite a threatened Aussie comeback with the ball.

Charley became instantly engaged with the recall, having regularly checked progress throughout the day. Devon Malcolm’s tumbling catch in the outfield to end a spirited Shane Warne fight back was specifically relived but well clear of the infamous hill-end that would claim Charley in years to come. There was still time to describe the standing rendition of D-I-S-C-O by those occupying the seats in front after every boundary.


This very first meeting with Charley, who was staying over for a more mundane work matter, led to the beginnings of a plan for the following year. We vowed to return, possibly with other enthusiasts, for the Edgbaston Test match. I confess to wondering if this expressed enthusiasm was going to be akin to a brief holiday romance, where numbers are exchanged but never acted upon.

However, Charley was true to his declaration. He was definitely up for it when it was time for me to start phoning Edgbaston ticket office for the following year’s fixture.

(Those were the distant days when phone calls to real people at places like Edgbaston’s ticket office were still possible). I secured a handful of excellent tickets. I then approached Big Jeff who was an immediate selection, as was David Steed, who managed Wadderton.

Intriguingly, I had never previously realised that Nigel met Charles for the first time, in the summer of 1997, a few weeks before I met him. It was truly fortuitous that they met in that context at Wadderton on the evening of Nigel’s return from the cricket. It really is conceivable that the Heavy Rollers might never have happened had it not been for the combined enthusiasm of Nigel and Charles seeing through on that 1997 promise to make the idea of a cricket gathering at the Edgbaston test in 1998 a reality.

Here is the scorecard for the 1997 1st Ashes Test at Edgbaston.

Below is a highlights reel for the first day of that match:

Returning To England v South Africa At Edgbaston, June 1998 And Its Aftermath

Here is a link to the scorecard from that 1998 England v South Africa test match at Edgbaston.

That whole 1998 test series was extraordinary. Here is a highlights reel for the whole series.

There would be scope for others to participate. Could there possibly be like-minded enthusiasts about? That idea following Adelaide ’95 was slowly becoming a reality it seemed.

Indeed, it was only a few weeks after that very first heavy rollers event that my “field trip” with Jeff brought me into the fold for the following year and the ensuing decades – click here or below.

As Nigel summarises it:

Such was the unqualified success of this ‘first’ episode. Despite
there being no presumption of repetition, it duly was and other stalwart Rollers were snapped up (Ian “Ged Ladd” Harris, Harish “Harsha Goble” Gohil, Nick “The Boy Malloy” Bartlett, Dan “Dan Peel” Steed) to provide illustrious and valued membership, some to this day.

That’s What We Call NewsRevue, Newsrevue Lyric, 11 January 1998

I remember being very dissatisfied with this one when I wrote it. Mike Ward from the Actor’s Workshop had suggested the idea to me, which was a good one. But it came out, in my opinion, very tired, bitchy and unfunny. It is the last NewsRevue lyric in my log and I suspect that it was the writing of this one that convinced me that I was out of ideas and needed to retire from NewsRevue lyric writing, at least temporarily, although it proved to be a permanent retirement.

There is irony in the fact that I used the tune That Is the End Of the News for the lyric that, in effect, marked the end of NewsRevue for me.

THAT’S WHAT WE CALL NEWS REVUE
(To the Tune of “That is the End of the News”)

 

INTRO 1

We are told, very loudly and often to lift up our hearts;
We are told, that good humour might soften life’s cruel old farts.
So however bad economic troubles might be,
We just lampoon our leaders and sing with glee.

VERSE 1

Heigh-ho, Blair’s mob are pains again,
New bye elections might see Tory gains again;
Word is Hague’s gay as he, like Peter Lilley,
Prefers his to hers when it comes to his willy.

VERSE 2

We’re so glad Harriet Harman,
Is screwing lone parents at rates so alarming;
We’ve now learned New Labour has more cuts than sabres,
As heartless as those Tory Blues.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

We’re delighted,
To be able to say,
Gordon Brown is not gay,
He’s depressed;
We’re excited,
Now the pounds out of range,
Of the Euro,
It’s all for the best.

OUTRO 1

Three cheers, Jack Straw’s been trusted,
With stamping out drugs although his son’s been busted;
While Mandelson’s heaven is Brighton, not Devon,
And that’s what we call News Revue.

 

INTRO 2

We are told ghastly jokes in the City when drinking in bars,
We are told that it’s charming and witty to mimic the stars;
So when fortune gives them a cup of hemlock to quaff,
We perform songs and sketches and laugh laugh laugh.

VERSE 3

Heigh-ho, Prodigy’s fearful,
We wish that Oasis were slightly more cheerful;
With Spice Girls these days getting booed off the stage, it,
Appears Pulp themselves need some help, they’re so aged;

VERSE 4

Now don’t laugh at poor Mrs Merton,
But nor do her viewers, that’s her final curtain;
The lovers of draggage, prefer Lily Savage,
It must be her splendid hair-dos.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Winning days, see,
Greg Rosetsky win games,
He’s as English as mounties and moose;
Football’s crazy,
Gazza beats up his dames,
But he’s gentle compared with “The Juice”.

OUTRO 2

What fun, Paula Yates’ tippled,
They say Posh Spice has a new ring through her nipple;
Now she’s got seven,
While Mel has eleven,
And that’s what we call News Revue,
Yes that’s what we call News Revue.

Below is a video of Joyce Grenfell singing That Is the End Of The News – I cannot find Noel Coward’s original on the web:

Click here for the lyrics to that Is the End Of the News.

Beef Bones, NewsRevue Lyric, 11 January 1998

Jack Cunningham was the Minister of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food. I had a bit of a thing about the beef-on-the-bone ban – as reported in an earlier piece – click here – which resulted in my spleen being vented in the Daily Telegraph of all dreadful places:

Beef On The Bone Risk Compared With Christmas Risk, Z/Yen Public Relations Stunt, 5 December 1997

Then I resorted to NewsRevue lyric on the topic.

BEEF BONES
(To the Tune of “Dry Bones”)

INTRO

Jack Cunningham cried “dem beef bones”,
Jack Cunningham cried “dem beef bones”,
Jack Cunningham cried “dem beef bones”,
Now hear the word of “The Doc”.

Jack Cunningham banned all of dem beef bones,
Jack Cunningham banned all of dem beef bones,
Jack Cunningham banned all of dem beef bones,
Now hear the word of the law.

VERSE 1

The tail bone’s connected to the back bone,
The back bone’s connected to the head bone,
The head bone’s connected to the prion,
The prion’s connected to the BSE,
The BSE’s connected to the CJD,
The CJD’s connected to the export ban,
The export ban’s connected to the Euro man,
The Euro man’s connected to the bureaucrat,
The bureaucrat’s connected to the science rat,
The science rat’s injected with the beef bone,

So here’s the cause of the ban.

OUTRO

Dem bans, dem bans, beef bone bans,
Dem bans, dem bans, beef bone bans,
Dem bans, dem bans, beef bone bans,
So here’s a true loony law.

Disobey dem bans, beef bone bans,
Disobey dem bans, beef bone bans,
Disobey dem bans, beef bone bans,
And stuff the word of the law,
Stuff the word of the law.

Below are the Delta Rhythm Boys singing Dry Bones:

Click here for the lyrics to Dry Bones.