My parents only came to see NewsRevue once and it seems to have escaped my diary as an “event”.
In those days, I was regularly going on a Thursday evening as long as I didn’t have anything else on, so it could easily have been scheduled quite casually and I do not recall anything as event-like as having dinner with the folks before the show or anything like that.
…but I think to my folks, especially my mum, it was just some sophomoric thing I was doing as a vague hobby.
I remember dad liking the show.
I remember mum not liking it.
I remember the director, Michael Eriera, ever the professional, making a fuss over my parents for a while when they visited, which helped to make them feel special and was a nice touch.
The reason I think it was probably this particular Thursday (or the one after) is linked to my Michael Eriera-linked memory of that evening. I wasn’t around for all that many Thursdays of Michael’s runs.
I remember mum saying, I paraphrase only slightly:
I’d have thought you’d got all this sort of thing out of your system when you were at university, dear.
As for the Social Chapter opt out clause from the Maastricht treaty, it was something to do with labour laws and became obsolete even before the Brexity business…but in truth I’m none the wiser now…
5 May 1993
Dear Michael
I have taken a look at the Zany Tony song and have concluded that you only need to change a couple of lines at the end for the song to work perfectly well in the event of a Liberal win.
Who needs alliance,
To gain triumphs?
The Liberals won it fair and square,
And the Labour chappie came nowhere,
We’re Beckett, Smith, Claire Short and zany Tony Blaire.
The Liberals seem to be doing so well that I suggest you swop in these lines for Thursday (and swop back to the original if the polls are wrong and the Tory limps home).
Consider also changing the spoken bit in the Maastricht song to cover the Social Chapter issue which seems to be so big this week.
MAJOR:This is a special bulletin. Ma Stricht is the Tory Whip’s most considerably wanted treaty. Oh yes. If anyone can explain what the Social Chapter Opt Out clause means, please report immediately to Tory Central Office.
THATCHER:Don’t anybody move. Hand over that treaty.
Please have a think about any new areas that you would like to me to cover over the next couple of weeks and we can chat about them on Thursday. As you reckon that Keith is already warming up to take over, perhaps have a word with him about what he is looking for. I am unlikely to get much chance to write again for a couple of weeks after the coming weekend.
Janie had a former colleague and friend named Michelle. Janie called her “Pussycat Michelle”.
We visited Michelle and her partner Joe for lunch in Amersham for lunch on this Sunday.
I recall little about the lunch, other than some good food (Michelle’s French background was telling) and a little bit of whacky backy from Joe after lunch.
They were good company, those two, but it always seemed difficult to fix up times to see them, so there were few (if any) repeats. Certainly we only made the one visit there.
Janie and I went threee times in a fortnight to see RNT Studio plays at the Cottesloe. This was the first of those three visits. It was a modern Liverpudlian play of the post-Thatcherism variety. We thought it was a very good play and really enjoyed (if that is the right word) this production.
Michael Church gave it a very good review in the Observer:
The diaries give very few clues about this short break to Cornwall. I think we both simply agreed to book out the first three days working days of that week and drive off to Cornwall.
We went in Red Noddy – at that time my company car – a souped-up automatic Honda Civic. In those days Janie had Blue Noddy – a slightly older, souped-down automatic Honda Civic.
The only clue as to our destination in either diary is the slightly misleading note in Janie’s:
“Rossiney” [sic] – meaning “Bossiney” House Hotel Tintagel
I think we stayed there two nights – dining at the hotel on one night and “commuting” to Rick Stein’s Padstow Restaurant the other night. That Rick Stein meal was an excellent one and I think in those days Rick Stein himself was still hanging around that place when we dined there.
From memory, I think we then drove on to St Ives and stayed somewhere around there for a couple of nights – exploring St Ives, Lands End itself and whatever else was worth seeing at that very south-western tip of Great Britain.
Janie had written down…
…”Gyllyndune Manor” (Falmouth)…
…but crossed it out. I don’t think there was room at the inn or perhaps she decided she didn’t like the sound of it. I vaguely recall just allowing enough time on arrival at St Ives to check places out and plug for something. Midweek in April this was not a tough ask.
The only thing I wrote down in my diary for the whole trip was…
…*Ben Murphy…
…and I do recall trying to call my west-country comedy customer Ben Murphy ahead of our journey home, with a view to possibly stopping off for a quick face-to-face on his home turf in Somerset. Ben made himself scarce for that idea…or possibly simply was, as he said later, otherwise engaged. Hard to pin down, was Ben.
I don’t think we took any photos on that break – at least I cannot find any and neither of us, at the moment, remembers taking any. Yet it seems strange that we didn’t. Possibly a mislaid batch of photos will emerge in the fullness of time – don’t hold your breath, though.
For now, feast your eyes on a couple of pictures that good folk put in the public domain.
I wrote this parody of Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear for NewsRevue around the time of the Newbury by-election in April 1993.
Very little was known about Tony Blair back then; indeed I couldn’t even spell his name. I cannot quite remember what made me spot him as an up and coming politician; perhaps it was just that he had a prominent role in that by-election campaign. Perhaps I simply latched on to the name Tony Blair fitting perfectly where “Dancing Bear” goes in the song.
The original song, Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear, is by Randy Newman, but was made famous by the Alan Price Set.
The latter version is the very first record I ever owned; I seem to recall nagging an auntie to get it for me. I also recall my father moving my teddy bear’s legs to make it dance for me when the song came on the radio. I was four-on-five when the record came out. Ahhh.
I don’t think Newman had teddy bears in mind when he wrote the song, but it is ironic (at least for me) that Newman went on to write the scores for the wonderful Toy Story movies. But I digress.
So was I the first political satirist to give Tony Blair the song treatment? Must have been up there with the first pack, if not the very first. I have left the spelling mistake on Blair[e]’s name in tact, for old time’s sake.
♬ BECKETT, SMITH, CLAIRE SHORT AND ZANY TONY BLAIRE ♬
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)
VERSE 1
JOHN SMITH:I may go out to Newbury,
To visit Doobrie,
Who’s standing there;
After a lot of thought,
I’ll take Beckett, Short,
And young Tony Blaire;
THE TEAM:The Liberals, deplore us,
The press all, ignore us;
ALL BUT BLAIRE:Oh who would think that Tony Blaire,
Would be so neglected everywhere,
It’s just amazing how square people can be.
(Tony Blaire tries to do a zany dance to prove how unsquare he is: it transpires that he is actually quite square himself. He may try to repeat the dance at the end of each verse.)
VERSE 2
THE TEAM:We go to ghastly places,
Like Newbury races,
And Newbury fair;
Our low poll is a myth,
We’ve got Beckett, Smith,
Short and Tony Blaire;
Voters are choosing,
The Tories are losing;
BECKETT/BLAIRE:Oh who would think that John and Claire,
Would appeal to dames with blue rinsed hair,
But Newbury voters out there seem very pleased.
PIANO BIT
(During which John Smith makes a short speech to the “voters” in the audience)
JOHN SMITH:Don’t be fooled by talk of this tactical voting nonsense. The best way to get the Tories out of Newbury is by voting Labour, the natural party of opposition. Thank you.
OUTRO
THE TEAM:Who needs alliance,
To gain triumphs?
The Tories get the minor share,
But we split the vote so the trophy’s theirs,
We’re Beckett, Smith, Claire Short and zany Tony Blaire.
I liked this play and production far more than Janie did. Where I liked the intellectual aspects of the content, Janie found them pretentious and at times confusing.
I have a heap of jotting pads I’ll want to trawl at some point, as part of my archive wallow, but here is a very rare example of me digitising some NewsRevue-oriented jottings in 1993.
It was the start of the cricket season, for the genuine (i.e. county) cricket lover, but much too early in the year for cricket to be in the news. So what was I doing jotting this stuff for NewsRevue?
Keith might remember exactly what that cricket bat business was…or deny all knowledge/involvement.
Anyway, point is…
…that must have turned my mind to cricket and the potential for cricket-oriented NewsRevue lyrics.
The show had been blessed by a cracker the previous season – I’m pretty sure that it was by Jonny Hurst – You’ve Got To Pick A Cricket Ball Seam to the tune of Pick A Pocket Or Two from Oliver!
Indeed seam picking and inappropriate behaviour with barmaids was all I could think of in getting some ideas onto an e-jotter that April.
My guess is that I typed these ideas up in order to print the page out and chat ideas through with the team of writers at a writers meeting.
Sadly (or perhaps mercifully) nothing came of it – I don’t think I ever wrote a cricket-related piece for NewsRevue in the end – strange really.
(Some Bally Crickers Quickies That Have No Further To Go And May Just Be Enough)
CRICKET MEDLEY (A prize of 10p is offered to the first reader who can name the album from which all three songs in the medley originate)
NO WASIM (To the tune of “No Woman No Cry”)
No Wasim, no crime, no Wasim no crime,
And/or:No Waquar, no crime, no Waquar, no crime.
I SMOKED THE SILK CUT (To the tune of “I Shot The Sheriff”)
I smoked the Silk Cut,
But I didn’t smoke the dope or weed.
And/or:I chased the barmaid,
But I didn’t chase the drag on weed.
And/or:I pulled the barmaid,
But I didn’t pull or pick the seam.
GET UP STAND UP (To the tune of “Get Up Stand Up”)
Get up stand up, England cricket team,
Get up stand up, don’t just blame the seam.
The answer to the music “quiz” is of course Live! by Bob Marley and the Wailers – I must have been listening to side two that day. If you like this kind of music – here are some vids for you to enjoy. Not the versions from the album, but vids of live performances all.
I’m not sure whether this one ever saw the light of day in the show – Michael Eriera did used to use a lot of mine, even if they weren’t overtly funny.
But on re-reading this lyric 25 years later I am quite taken by some of the rhymes and in particular by the strength of sentiment I wanted to get across and, I think, managed to get across within a very sparse word pattern.
YUGO YUGO
(To the Tune of “Iko Iko”)
VERSE 1
My Grand Duke told your Grand Duke, the Balkan scene is dire;
My Grand Duke said to your Grand Duke, we’ll let them wallow in the mire.
CHORUS 1
Talking ’bout Yugo {Yugo} Yugo {Yugo}
Yugoslav-ee-i-ay; {Oh, oh}
Cannot interfere with Balkan ways, never mind the folks they slay.
VERSE 2
Look at those troops with blue berets, Boutros Boutros Ghali;
I bet you five dollars they do nothing today, UN troops will keep away.
CHORUS 2
Talking ’bout Boutros {Boutros} Boutros {Boutros}
Boutros Boutros Ghali; {Oh, oh}
Fails to save the Bosnian Muslims, fails to save the Somalis.
VERSE 3
My envoy told your envoy, Radovan’s a liar;
My envoy told your envoy, he’s goanna set Tuzla on fire.
CHORUS 3
Talking ’bout Cyrus {Cyrus} Cyrus {Cyrus}
Cyrus Vance and Owen; {Oh, oh}
When will the UN do anything, when will the UN go in?
VERSE 4
Look at those Serbs all dressed in green, Boutros Boutros Ghali;
They’re not just men they are killing machines, goanna rape and loot and slay.
CHORUS 4
I suggest you go {you go} you go {you go}
You go to Gorazde, {Oh, oh}
I shall keep a safe distance away, I shall stay at home and pray,
Yes, lets just stay at home and pray, lets just stay at home and pray;
{Boutros!!}
Below is a little vid with The Dixie Cups singing Iko Iko and the lyrics on the screen:
