Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

I don’t recall this lyric being used in NewsRevue, but there are a few minor revisions of it on my machine over that summer, so I’m guessing that it probably was.

JUDGES ARE SENILE


(To the Tune of “Putting On The Style”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Eighty three, goes to court, likes to wear his wig,
Britain’s legal system appointed this old prig;
He was a bright young lawyer who made a legal pile,
But now he’s old and talks baloney, judges are senile.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Oh
Magistrates are lunatics, judges are senile,
That’s why it’s a toss up what happens at a trial;
Convicted rapist walks free, another court meanwhile,
Jails a kid who smoked dope, judges are senile.
 
VERSE 2
 
Starforth Hill blames a girl ‘cos he’s off his board,
If he goes on at this rate they’ll make him a law lord;
He says all girls are sinful as does Judge Argyll,
These old sods know not what they’re saying, judges are senile.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Oh
Justices need therapy, judges are senile,
Most right thinking people find their opinions vile;
Ernest Saunders set free, judge gives him a smile,
Old Ernest has Alzheimer’s but is not senile.
 
VERSE 3
 
Justice on the Woolsack, the appeal court’s packed,
The House of Lords gives judgement ten years after the act;
That House is not debating the crimes that we revile,
But huge vexatious corporations suing for a pile.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Oh
UK courts are such a crime, judges are senile,
That’s why lots of young folks want other domicile;
We should make British justice defend itself on trial,
Let’s start by sacking judges who have gone senile….
i-ile, i-ile, i-ile.

This link takes you to the lyrics of Puttin On the Style. Below is a vid of Lonnie Donegan singing Puttin On The Style:

Below is the updated lyric for Verse Two and Chorus Two dated 11 July 1993:

JUDGES ARE SENILE – VERSION TWO

(To the Tune of “Putting On The Style”)
 
VERSE 2
 
Criminal Justice Bill scraps half of our rights,
Our hope of getting justice is like free Hoover flights;
We’ll lose our right to juries resolving our trials,
And get some bigot Magistrates with arthritis and piles.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Oh
Magistrates need therapy, most of them are vile,
They behave like judges but lack judicial guile;
Although the Magna Carta’s been around a while,
The stupid Royal Commission would scrap jury trials.

It seems I further revised Verse Two in August 1993:

VERSE 2
 
Criminal Justices scrap half of our rights,
Our hope of getting fairness is like free Hoover flights;
We’ll lose our right to juries resolving our trials,
And get some bigot Magistrate with arthritis and piles.
 

I don’t think this lyric ever made it into the show and possibly just as well. The slow numbers have to be very good to work in the show and this lyric doesn’t make the grade as I look at it 25+ years later.

TELECOM CHARGES

(To the Tune of “Wichita Lineman”)
 
VERSE 1
 
I am a financier for BT,
And I’ll buy BT 3;
Fifty quidsworth yuppy,
Taking shares profitably.
 
They’re raking in a huge pile,
They’re making hay while the sun shines;
Cos the Telecom charges,
Are way out of line.
 
VERSE 2
 
I know they have some competition,
But it don’t look like trade;
As Mercury it seems to me,
Can never make the grade.
 
Those BT fat cats are laughing,
They make more money every time;
Cos those new operations,
Must hire BT lines.
 
VERSE 3
 
But someday soon BT will tumble,
And lose their monopoly;
Now yuppies drone on cordless phones,
That don’t come from BT.
 
And though we need them more than want them,
And wally’s use them at odd times;
The cellular cordless,
Don’t use BT lines.

Below is Glen Campbell singing Wichita Lineman, with the lyrics of that song there to be seen on the screen:

This was a rewrite of one of my earliest comedy lyrics.

The original was generic, but the rewrite was intended for NewsRevue – in honour of Barbra Streisand’s much publicised affair with Andre Agassi, which Agassi at one time described as “like wearing hot lava”.

I don’t think this lyric was ever used in the show.

                                   BAGELS IN THE MORNING – VERSION TWO
(To the Tune of “Angel of the Morning”)
 
VERSE 1 – BARBARA STREISAND
 
You tell me I am your princess,
And Barbara Streisand’s all the rage;
You, Andre, fell for my caress,
Despite the fact I’m twice your age.
 
Our love affair is so audacious,
That when I wake up I’m voracious.
 
CHORUS 1 – BARBARA STREISAND
 
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
Go fetch me lox with smooth cream cheese,
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
I’ve conquered Andre Agassi.
 
VERSE 2 – ANDRE AGASSI AND BARBARA STREISAND
 
ANDRE:You were a less assertive catch,
When we met at the Open;
I courted you game set and match,
 
BARBARA:With fumbling and gropin’.
 
In your virility I trusted,
But you didn’t cut the mustard.
 
 
CHORUS 2 – ANDRE AGASSI
 
ANDRE:I’ll need some new balls in the morning,
I need to work on my forehand;
My only service ace this morning,
Is bringing bagels for Streisand.
 
BARBARA:Some with seeds and onions,

CHORUS 3 – BARBARA STREISAND {AND ANDRE AGASSI IN HARMONY}
 
Go fetch me bagels in the morning, {I’ll fetch her bagels in the morning}
Go fetch me lox with smooth cream cheese, {I’ll fetch her….}
Go fetch me bagels in the morning, {I’ll fetch her bagels in the morning}
 
ANDRE:This cow’s impossible to please.

I demonstrated a suitable tune on the 1991 version with PP Arnold’s rendition of Angel Of The Morning. Here is Juice Newton’s rendition of the same song: