A String Of Late May Evenings, 22, 27 & 29 May 2008

A few late May evenings with little to report.

Thursday 22 May 2008: Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner

This was at “Rogues” in Maida Vale, as was the norm in those days. John Random did the shout out and only provided limited feedback afterwards:

A big thank you to all of you who turfed yourselves out for the Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner despite the cyclone, earthquake, Crewe and Nantwich Bye-Election and anything else that might have put off lesser mortals. To those of you who didn’t make it, you were much missed. Till the next time…

It will have been fun.

Tuesday 27 May 2008: Net At Lord’s

The e-mail trail tells me that this was Chas, Adam, Mat and me. Here’s my shout out/reminder:

Just a note to remind you all that we are netting this evening.
See you at HQ Indoor School in whites just before 18:00.
Adam – FYI – I’ve bought and am bringing my helmet after our last net together! Although, having seen Mr Flynn on Friday, I’m not sure I’ll be trying to hook the head-high stuff anyway!!
Best
Ian

The “Flynn” reference is to a Kiwi player named Daniel Flynn who was not spared the need for dental work by his helmet – see video below:

I think that net was my first go with a helmet. I had decided to wear one from that 2008 season on, after a couple of near misses the previous season – at least one of which was at the hands of Adam, albeit in outdoor nets. Chas commented afterwards:

Great being at Lords last night, but am I the only one suffering from multitude of aches and pains from the cricket net?…
…The helmet was ‘interesting’ although I did notice others wearing them as well.

Thursday 29 May: Bridge At Andrea’s Place

The four was again Andrea, Barmy Kev, Maz and me. Pre bridge e-mail chat between me and Barmy Kev revolved around Kev being available early and wanting to meet for a pre match drink, whereas I was a mixture of unwilling and unable to do that. My final word on what seemed to have been quite a stressy day:

I need to clear some work before coming out this evening so won’t be around until 20:00 as expected.
 
Also expect to drive, as could do with a detox and will be pushed for time.

Afterwards, my e-mail to Andrea:

Just a note to thank you very much for your hospitality on Thursday. Super meal and good bridge too. Is Kev still there? Looking forward to seeing you at the next one.

Andrea’s e-mail back to me:

V funny! Kev obviously likes it here as he turned up early and stayed about 20 mins after you lot left. See you at the next one – and don’t forget to get your visa.

The reference to a visa must mean that Maz had just moved South of the river and that we were going to play at her new place next.

Despite the fact that Andrea and I are both “propa sarf” people…”deep sarf” in Andrea’s case (Sutton), by 2008, after so many years north of the river, we needed metaphorical visas when venturing sarf.

England v New Zealand at Lord’s, 15 and 17 May 2008

With grateful thanks to Alan Cooke for this photo.

I think this test match might well have been my first sighting of live cricket that season, given the scheduling at Lord’s and the timing of our trip to France in late April.

My companions for the Thursday were Charles “Charley The Gent Malloy” Bartlett, Heinrich “The Gangmaster” Groenewald and Alan Cooke, the latter more famous on Ogblog for tales of derring do with me at fives than for cricket – click here for a link to such a tale.

The weather was less than special for that match. I recall having been disappointed to get some rather ordinary-sounding seats (Grandstand I think) in the county members’ ballot, only eventually to be pleased for the cover given the weather.

We got best part of two sessions of cricket on the Thursday, which was better than we had expected given the forecast on the day itself. We witnessed Brendon McCullum batting better than anyone else and Jimmy Anderson bowling better than anyone else.

I didn’t write up that day, but King Cricket (which I had just started to read occasionally at that time) did write up McCullum’s doings – click here.

I made up one of my bagel-based picnics for that Thursday – I know that because Cookie mentioned them in his thank you note:

In particular, I enjoyed the bagels (a decision at last) and the Lords ambience. Hope you get a decent amount of play with your second Lords sitting.

By second sitting, Alan meant that he knew that Janie (Daisy) and I were due to go on the Saturday. Unfortunately, Saturday it pretty much rained all day. I don’t think we even left the flat, secure in the knowledge that any break in the rain would be very temporary, so I’m pretty sure Daisy and I witnessed the half hour or so of play that day on the TV, ate the picnic food in the comfort of the apartment and found other ways to amuse ourselves. One of those rare occasions I got my money back for a day of cricket that didn’t happen.

It seems that Chas was luckier and got to see play on the Sunday. He sent me this photo to prove that he had been there:

Vaughan caressing the ball to the boundary, taken by Charles Bartlett

The match scorecard can be found here – unsurprisingly a draw given all the weather. Which is a shame, as it looked as though it would have been a good match had there been enough cricket possible.

King Cricket’s other pieces during the match were:

Seems strange now to think there was a time when I was only skimming King Cricket and very occasionally chiming in with a comment.

Ged Tries To Keep His Head While Kev Fly Slips, MTWD “Lost Masterpiece” Three Part Match Report on Z/Yen v The Children’s Society, Holland Park, 26 June 2007

14 years later, Barmy Kev & Mrs Barmy returned to the scene of the crime and relived Kev’s Holland Park/fly slip moment thusly.

Normal people who simply want to know a little about a great fun works match between Z/Yen and The Children’s Society should look at my main Ogblog entry for this day – click here. 

The piece that follows is a ludicrously long match report, authored by me and Barmy Kev jointly. It was published as a three-parter on Middlesex Till We Die (MTWD) over the winter of 2007/2008 when we were desperate for feature material.

Barmy Kev and others
Barmy Kev and others

 

It is one of the MTWD “lost masterpieces”; as explained more fully in the posting linked here – Sportnetwork managed to lose all the features that were published on all of its web sites during a period around that time. However, I still have all the features that I wrote and edited. The version below is pre final edits and pre division into three parts.

I realise now that I started using pseudonyms, such as Charley “The Gent” Malloy back then, as early as 2007, prior to my King Cricket piece days. I should note, though, that new dad “Alex DeLarge” in this piece is not the same person as “Big Al DeLarge” from King Cricket pieces such as the one linked here. 

It runs to over 4000 words. It is for connoisseurs, not normal people. You have been warned. Here goes:

Ged Tries to Keep Head as Kev Fly Slips

After 2 incomplete 20/20 games Monday and Wednesday, an MTWD editorial representation complete match took part on Tuesday. This match was full of drama and twists and turns and seeing our captain Ged becoming very animated.

 

Big Match Build Up – Qualification Rules – Ged’s View

The annual cricket match; Ged Ladd & Co v Charley “the Gent” Malloy’s Charity XI has become somewhat of a grudge match of late.  Ged Ladd & Co employs 10 to 20 people at any one time, whereas Charley the Gent works for a large charity which employs over a thousand of people.

Team selection has become a matter of great debate in recent years, with Ged trying hard to stick to staff, associates, WAGs/HABs/relatives of staff, close friends and the like.  Meanwhile Charlie “the Gent” had found a rich seam of massive Saffers (tangentially connected at best to charity staff), one of whom nearly killed someone last year by bowling proper medium pace to a man in his fifties with a serious heart condition.

Indeed, the Big Saffer qualification situation became severely muddied this year, as one of the Big Saffers, EK, fell in love with a member of Ged’s staff at the match 3 years ago and married her (now FK) a few weeks before this year’s fixture. Did this mean that some or all of the Saffers should now play for Ged?  No – we agreed this year that we should be far more strict about the qualification rule.  This made sense, but this year left Ged with a bit of a talent-pool shortage, despite having one Big Saffer unquestionably now qualified for Ged’s team by marriage, as several people from last year’s Ged team had hung up their boots to avoid the risk of further injury or worse.

 

The Pre-Match Encounters – Banter and Sledging – Ged’s View

Banter and sledging starts early for this fixture.  March time normally, when the pitch is booked.  Charley the Gent was dischuffed this year, as Regent’s Park was already fully booked so Ged’s people booked the synthetic pitch on Holland Park – coincidentally the scene of the initiating star-crossed lovers incident (EK & FK) three year’s ago and equally coincidentally the scene of the most recent victory by Ged Ladd & Co, in unseasonable weather conditions in 2004 (the evening before the abandoned Middlesex v West Indians fixture).

Charley “the Gent” was convinced that Ged had deliberately chosen “fortress Holland Park” to up his chances of a win. Ged would never do such a thing (have you noticed that great captains like Michael Vaughan and Ged refer to themselves in writing using the third person, by the way) but Ged certainly would get in early with the sledging.  Ged and Charley had a couple of pre match nets and Ged warned Charley that he’d worked him out but refused to say where he’d set the field for said “working out”.  Ged’s wicket-keeper, “The Tazmanian Devil” sent a long distance sledge, telling Charlie that Ged might as well tell him the field he’d set for him as Charlie lacks the talent to do anything about it, even if he knew what was on Ged’s mind a year in advance.

Meanwhile Ged had an horrific second net.  Everywhere the ball can go to hit unprotected flesh and cause maximum pain, Ged managed to get hit.  Below the pad on the front leg, above the pad on the back leg, both sides of the box and Ged even managed an upper cut into his own eye.   Bruised in both body and ego, Charlie’s obvious pleasure at Ged’s discomforture was uncharitable to say the least.  Charlie had a super net that day, bowling straight and putting Ged off his bowling line (it doesn’t take much) with some clean hitting.

You’d have thought that these were two bitter foes, but the reality is, once the grudge match is over, that Ged and the Tazmanian Devil join Charlie the Gent’s charity team for the rest of the season (one or two matches).  From nemeses to stalwarts is but a few short strides.

 

Team Selection – Do We Have Eleven People Who Can Walk Today? – MTWD to the Rescue? – Ged’s View

As the day of the match approached, team selection was not going well for Ged.  Indeed, Ged himself was struck down with a gastric bug a few days before the match and still felt very weak on the day before the fixture.  Ged was thinking about standing aside himself, when he got the call from his practice manager that day, concerned that two of the team’s “dead certs” looked distinctly “uncert” due to illness.  Ged decided that he’d have to play come what may.  He didn’t want to have to ask Jez Horne to play –  Jez is one of the founders of MTWD, a key member of Ged Ladd’s staff and one of the several who had suffered in 2006 and requested not to play.

But Barmy Kev had noticed Ged’s mention of the fixture on MTWD and e-mailed Ged to ask if he and Olivia could watch.  Ged thought he spotted an opportunity.  “By all means come and watch – copious beer and cake – you might even get a game”, read the e-mail.  “I’d like to play – I can sport my Middlesex pink”, came the reply from Barmy Kev.  “Got one”, thought Ged.

 

Big Match Build Up – Barmy Kev’s View

I had a last minute invitation to Ged Ladd’s company cricket event with possibility of playing. They weren’t desperate, honestly. Nor was I.  And Ged’s mention of copious alcohol being available was purely incidental in me agreeing to turn up.  I told Olivia that duty calls and so forth.  I also told her that she’d finally get to meet Ged and Daisy.  In fact, Ged has been saying for some time now that he and Daisy believe Olivia to be my imaginary friend, as I keep saying that she’ll be at matches and then she doesn’t come.

As, I arrive I am still uncertain whether I’ll be playing. The Ged Ladd & Co 11th man/woman has childcare issues and someone else had transportation delays. This is a logistical nightmare for captain Ged.  And a nerve-wracking nightmare for several people who have turned up on the strict understanding that they do not want to play, only to drink and watch.  Does Michael Vaughan have such problems when deliberating on final line-up before a test I wondered? Or Ed Smith when preparing Middlesex for a County Championship match?  (Well, possibly…)

I was picked and given an impression my role would be a JD World cup “can’t bat /can’t bowl but hey its always an honour to be there” role.

 

Let the Game Begin – Ged’s View

A few of the Ged Laddites warm up and Ged realises that Barmy Kev probably can’t bat, can’t bowl and can hardly field (ideally qualified for the Ged Ladd & Co team), but he does have a bit of a throwing arm, so he could be more useful than most in a key fielding position.  One of Ged’s favourite positions for amateur cricket is fly slip.  Catches go there off slow-medium bowling and the position can often save one or four.  It’s no-mans-land in real cricket but can become key in scratch cricket.

Ged also figures that his team’s bowling is probably not going to be strong enough to defend a total this year (crumbs, even Ged is going to have to bowl, the team is sooo short of bowling), so Ged will elect to bowl if he gets the chance.  The artificial surface neutralises most if not all “bat first” advantage.

The best laid plans – Ged wins the toss and surprises Charlie the Gent and his team by electing to field.  With quite a lot of cloud and a delayed start due to late arrivals, Charlie’s team are in no hurry now.  Ged’s elected to do his batting later – in the dwindling light.

 

Let the Games Begin – Barmy Kev’s View

As I took the field I felt my credentials were extended to can’t field as Ged told me to field at Fly Slip. A rare position normally, in my view, reserved for the fielder you need to hide. I within the wide scope of position occasionally moved around to deep gully and would then sneak closer at times to barmy backward point to add some pressure and be in better earshot for my sledging.

Our team got off to perfect start – 2 early wickets. More surprising the 2nd was a decent batsman top edging one of Ged’s dolly drops.  The very next ball the no. 4 batter, who was a woman, was deceived, I think by Ged’s flight, and stumped way out of crease. The umpire gave it not out, claimed unsighted. This woman later proved to be no mug with bat. It transpired she was a regular league  player from South Africa and contributed to the bulk of the opposition total.  “Co-incidentally”, another female in the opposing team was bowled 1st ball, and the same umpire belatedly called no ball.  Ged was not happy and was hoping, if required, for a similar concession for our team for our 1 female and me in Middlesex Pink.

 

The Opening Salvos – Ged Reports

Knowing the opposition of old, Ged knew that Ged needed to hold back quite a bit of the better bowling for their big hitters down the order.  So Ged decided to open the attack with EK’s military medium at one end and Ged himself with donkey drops at the other end.  This was expected to give Ged a pop at Charlie the Gent himself, but that plan went awry (or well, depending on how you look on it) when EK sent Charlie’s stumps flying during the first over.  Charlie was not having one of his better days so far.

Ged then bowled at a rather fearsome-looking tall lad named Matt, who lacked the Aussie accent that normally accompanies such a name but Matt looked like he could hold a bat and had chosen one with a long handle.  It’s hard for most bowlers to get one to float in above the eye-line of such a lanky batsman, but a donkey-drop specialist has no fear of air and the result was as planned – back lift exaggerated, shape to shot diminished, tiny bit of top spin effective and the ball goes vertical.  At that moment time stood still.  The Tazmanian Devil keeper had not seen the ball and was stationery.  It was like one of those horrible car-crash scenes in a movie in ultra slow motion and silence.  Ged intervened.  “Catch it, catch it”, cried Ged pointing in the direction of the descending missile.  Meanwhile (no doubt) air defences were being put on red alert and UFO spotters all over Kensington were pointing their telescopes in the direction of Holland Park.  The Tazmanian Devil set off on his run forwards and dived headlong to take a brilliant catch.  Ged had taken his first wicket in over 30 years (let’s be fair folks, Ged doesn’t usually bowl) and the oppo are two down.

Next ball, Ged decides to try a similar delivery again.  Ged knows that the larger-than-life South African woman before him, Charlene, is no mug.  She’s played cricket at a very impressive level in South Africa and is Charlie the Gent’s proposed secret weapon for the late July “UnPro40” fundraising fixture.  Up goes the ball (delivery), down the track comes Charlene, unaware of the almost infinite variations that might occur whenever Ged is daft enough to try to bowl, she is beaten hook line and sinker by the “flight” and is stumped by a good many yards.  The batsmen had almost crossed in fact.  Charlie the Gent’s umpire says not out and Ged is denied a chance at a hat trick.  Possibly just as well – Ged did once take a hat trick with donkey drops in a school game, more than 30 years ago.  Ged’s still talking about it (it’s a dull story folks, unless you happen to be Ged) and the schoolmaster who was umpiring the game has never really recovered from the fit of uncontrollable laughter the landmark event induced in him.

 

And Now, Back to the Match – Charity XI Innings – Barmy Kev Reports

Anyway, after a promising start the opposition run rate was increasing and Ged was getting flustered. I didn’t help Ged’s blood pressure by tactically moving myself from fly slip to close in to a new batsman. I was told to go back to fly slip in no uncertain terms.

Next over seeing a massive offside gap, I moved myself to point and was not spotted by Ged. Typically, a thickish edge looped over slip ahead of third man and guess who it would have been a chance for if he had simply done as he was told and guess who wasn’t happy with me??

My next contribution came soon afterwards,  Not wishing to wind up our stressed captain any further, I fielded at fly slip about half way back to boundary. A flying top edge came our way, bisecting me and 1st slip.  1st slip was running back and I was running towards the ball at easy catchable height. I was determined to catch this and shouted, “leave”, but either first slip was deaf or equally determined; I spectacularly pulled-out at the last minute, diving out of the way as 1st slip caught the ball comfortably. I’m not sure whether relief was the vital wicket or serious injury being avoided.

I was asked by our Tazmanian Devil of a keeper to move to point, rising the wrath of Ged, but there I stopped a hard hitting shot saving four runs and was pleased I made a tangible contribution in my more favoured position.

After 20 overs the Charlie “The Gent” Malloy’s Charity XI achieved 110 runs – in the  context of previous games a good total.  I was hopeful the 4 runs I saved would be significant.

 

And Now, Back to the Match – Charity XI Innings – Ged Reports

Of course, the Charity XI umpire being so generous to unfortunate young ladies was a subtle Charity XI ploy to secure a reasonable score.  Bolstered by the umpire and some good players in their middle order, the innings ebbed and flowed as a good 20:20 innings should.  We actually play 20:20:20 cricket for this fixture – a successful batsman retires at 20 to ensure that everyone gets a go, with a chance to return at the end of the innings once everyone else has had a chance.  Charlene and another Saffer, Big Malc, retired in such circumstances.  Ged’s ploy to hold back a fair chunk of the better bowling prevented the better batsmen from scoring too quickly and wickets fell at enough regular intervals to escape that feeling that the innings is getting away from you.

Of course, things might have been even better if fielders stuck to Ged’s game plan.  The worst offender was Barmy Kev who simply wouldn’t stay put at fly slip despite the fact that enough action was happening down there to convince him, surely, that this was a worthwhile place to field.  On one occasion a catch splintered off towards fly slip, only for Ged to observe a vacancy where the fly slip should have been – Barmy Kev had crept up to gully again surreptitiously.  On another occasion, when Kev was doing what he was told (for once), a skier went high up in the air between slip and fly slip, much closer to our (very competent) slip fielder, Martin.  Kev lunges in the direction of Martin yelling “mine” and then, just as it looks as though there would be no wicket and two casualty admissions to A&E, Kev bails out of the run, giving no audible warning that “mine” had been switched to “yours”; nevertheless Martin took the catch like a proper cricketer.  “Who is that clown?” asked one of the team regulars.  “Martin?”, enquired Ged.

110/9 was their final score – very respectable in our terms but distinctly gettable if the Ged Ladd and Co team perform.  And 110/9 is almost certainly a very accurate recording of the score.  But Charlie”the Gent” Molloy and several of his team mates found it very hard to believe that the scorer, our very own MTWD founder Jez Horne, with a first class degree in maths, could possibly have recorded the score accurately.  True, it was a difficult assignment to keep the score in those circumstances, with several members of the Charlie “the Gent” rabble trying to convince Jez all the time that the umpire had just signalled four/six/wide and that Jez had missed the vital signalling moment while looking down to record the events of the ball.  But Jez was undeterred and undistracted; he applied all that learning from his maths degree, combined with all those years of following cricket, to complete the scorebook with extreme precision.

 

Ged Ladd’s Innings – Barmy Kev’s View

Ged read out the batting line out to achieve target. I was wondering what my role was. It was an occasion like at school when playing football and players are against wall and you are last to be picked. When Ged chose 1-10 without me being mentioned, I am sure Ged picked me as 11, after looking out for other latecomers to turn up as my replacement. However, I respected his authoritative “ Kev you’re in at 11!

Ged himself was opening. This would have been clear to any of those present who did not know Ged – indeed to most of Kensington and the surrounding boroughs, with Daisy continually screeching “come on Ged” at the top of her voice.  Ged certainly played a sheet anchor (or something sounding a bit like that) role. He successfully was holding his end up and continually nurdling runs, not exhausting himself with any risky running between wickets.  With Ged having helped the team put on 45 in the first 7 overs (a great many of which were wides and byes), the South African lady whose stumping had been denied to Ged clean bowled him for a solid 12.  I realised that Ged could in fact run straight and fast, as after his dismissal he sprinted to the red wine bottle.

 

Ged’s Innings – Ged’s View

Ged opened the batting with fellow Middlesex supporting stalwart, Peter Bramley, far and away the best batsman on display that day.  An opera company were rehearsing some enormous Wagner monstrosity in the outdoor concert arena nearby.  The opening batsmen strolled out to bat to the strains of some heroic Wagnerian overture and for some reason the orchestra decided to strike up whenever Ged was on strike.  This noisy stuff seemed a bit distracting at first, but once the innings got under way and Ged got a few runs under his belt and saw Peter and the extras column getting off to a real flier, the heroic music seemed somewhat fitting, nay, almost encouraging.

Of course, you can tell the difference straight away between Tazmanian Devil style sledging and the Old Etonian sledging that Ged received.  When Ged said to the wicket-keeper “I’m finding the music rather uplifting”, the reply came “oh dear, I was rather hoping the Wagner was putting you Orff”.  Taz would probably have said “you’re such a cr*p batsman the DJ’s celebrating your wicket falling already, you stupid b*st*rd, anyway you could get a whole f*cking orchestra between your bat and your front pad when you try to play a shot”.  But mercifully, Taz was on our side and when Peter retired on 20*, Taz joined Ged and merely said, “hey, you’re going really well today mate, keep going”.  But soon Taz was also on his way, going for glory too early in his innings and skying one to the only member of the opposition team (Big Malc) who stood a cat-in-hell’s chance of catching that ball.

Ged was then joined by Alex DeLarge, who needed to bat early in the innings so he could go off and be a new dad as quickly as possible.  Alex is a regular in the team who sometimes comes off (leave it to him) or sometimes doesn’t (better stick around and anchor).  Alex was having an “on” day and got off to a good start with a couple of good 2s and then he struck a really good 4 with ultraviolence.  Ged knew that he might as well get on with it now and that retirement loomed soon if he could get a couple of big hits away himself.  That is usually a recipe for disaster, Ged-wise, normally in the form of lobbing an easy catch to someone.  But Charlene is a better bowler than that, had seen the gap between Ged’s front pad and the bat, and subtly switched tack to off-cutters.  It only took two of those to dislodge Ged.

 

Oh No, Surely We Can’t Lose It From Here – Kev’s View

An all too familiar Middlesex like collapse started to occur. At this stage I was beginning to enjoy the social side of occasion and still thought we were meandering to victory. Then with 7 wickets came a shout from Ged “ Kev get your pads on”. Our no. 8 was a female who didn’t look like could hold a bat and I was frantically trying to get pads on, done in my usual ungainly manner hoping a hat trick was not going to happen. There were enough overs left but wickets were problem. Everyone was crowding the bat around our female who was struggling to get bat to ball. We thought we might have to rely on umpires again developing selective myopia.

 

Don’t be Daft – Ged Never Doubted Us For A Moment – Ged’s View

The middle order left a little to be desired, once Alex DeLarge was removed, although by that time we’d got within 15 to 20 of the target and still had plenty of overs to go.  Also, EK was still there, although he was uncharacteristically going for 1s and 2s, perhaps awaiting the arrival of FK at the crease.  At 7 down, it was time for FK to have a go.  She has played once or twice before and is a generally sporty young woman, but Charlie “the Gent”‘s team spelt blood and strangely, their umpire seemed to have forgotten about the “no-one gets out first ball” rule when one of our other stalwarts got cleaned up for a primary.

So there you have it – about 12 runs still required, 4 or 5 overs to go so runs is not the problem, a couple of rabbits in the hutch plus one returnee.  But most importantly, you have a newly-wed couple at the crease, hoping to get the team over the line.  Charlie’s team are trying to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, giving no quarter,  EK was offering a great deal of assistance, one might say instruction, to his bride, FK.  The odd single here or there.  Then, FK plays the shot of the day. After the match, she claimed that she didn’t see the ball properly at first and just went after it once she got sight of it.  Ged describes it as a perfectly executed late cut for four – one of the hardest and most elegant shots in the game.  The Ged Ladd & Co supporters are in ecstasies and the target is down to very few indeed.  Soon, the scores are tied and EK is on strike.  He goes for glory – trying to wrap up the match with a big six into the crowd – and guess what? – he pulls it off and the game is won.  The honeymoon couple at the crease together winning the match for their team.  You couldn’t have made up the ending without seeming like the cheesiest writer since Barbara Cartland died.

 

Barmy Kev Summarises

Ged seemed mightily pleased with win and I felt his tension on what was a surprisingly competitive match. However, in true spirit of occasion, all parties were friends afterwards and enjoyed some more beers/wine.

It was a really fun afternoon despite my lack of contribution and receiving a few ticking offs. Mrs Barmy was there with a few other WAGS and we were made to feel very welcome. If invited next year I would certainly return and will be working on various aspects of my game, like listening to captain’s orders.

 

Z/Yen v The Children’s Society Cricket Match, Holland Park, 26 June 2007

This was one of the more memorable cricket matches between Z/Yen and The Children’s Society, not least because it was one of the very few that Z/Yen won.

Also memorable because we have a lot of artefacts from the match:

P6260170

If Ian Harris can claim that even one good thing has ever come out of Z/Yen’s annual cricket match, (an event which boasted it’s 10th anniversary this year), it must be the resulting courtship and recent marriage of our Fran Birch with Eugene Kinghorn. Three years ago, Eugene played for The Children’s Society while Fran played for Z/Yen. One thing led to another after the (cricket) match and those two were matched (married) a few weeks ago.

This year we returned to the scene of the crime, Holland Park, with Eugene of course now playing in Z/Yen colours (qualified by marriage, cricket was always thus).

Suffice it to say that Z/Yen won the fixture this year, with several Z/Yen people exceeding all expectations (even Ian, I kid you not). But you couldn’t have written the script for the ending – Eugene and Fran batting together, knocking off the winning runs.

Scene of the crime seems like a suitable phrase for this match; Charles Bartlett being eyed with suspicion by the local constabulary:
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I recall taking wickets (ripping my fingers to shreds trying to spin the new ball)…
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…and scoring some runs opening the batting with Peter Cox…

Bartlett to Cox…sounds like apples and pears to me!

…which sent the crowd into an absolute frenzy…
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…OK – in truth I think the frenzy was more likely to have been when Eugene and Fran were knocking off the winning runs and earning “match of the match” awards.
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And here is the scorecard in full for true connoisseurs:

Middlebrook Mauls Middlesex, “MTWD Lost Masterpiece”, Middlesex v Essex at Lord’s, Day One, 15 June 2007

The background to the phenomenon of MTWD “lost masterpieces” is explained in this link – click here. In short, Sportnetwork permanently lost a swathe of published features from 2007.

But fear not; I tend to keep everything. So the following report, a visit to Lord’s with Charles “Charley The Gent Malloy” Bartlett, is available here for all to see.

I can think of at least two people who should still find this report interesting and amusing.

Middlebrook Mauls Middlesex

 

Ged Ladd reports on day one of the CC game against Essex at Lord’s.  Ged’s guest, Charley “The Gent” Malloy, returns for more cricket this year.  Charley, who last year was Durham to the core by the end of that day, turns out to be the quintessential Essex boy by the end of this day.   But the worst performance was the weather forecaster – the only real shower was some of the afternoon bowling.

 

Fashionably Late, Again

At 10:10 Ged receives a text from his guest, Charley “The Gent” Malloy, stating that he as at Newbury Park tube but still hopes to get to Lord’s for the start of play.  Some hope, thinks Ged, who sets off 5 minutes later, as planned, picnic in hand.

Ged arrives in time for the start of play and decides to go to the Upper Allen for a short time to watch while waiting for Charley.  Ged bumps in to Gerry the Bookseller up there, who gets very excited at the thought that Charley is coming, as there’s always a chance of book business when Charley is around.

Charley arrives surprisingly quickly, before 11:15, so he and Ged decamp to the Pavilion to enjoy some “behind the bowler’s arm” stuff.   From there, Silverwood’s LBWs looked pretty good to us – indeed Pettini could easily have gone LBW a couple of balls before he actually did go.

There was just a smidgeon of swing and the constant fall of wickets seemed odd given the flatness of the pitch.  Silvers and Vaas bowled well, as did Murtagh before he pulled up.

I saw that Murtagh injury as a really ominous sign, even while the wickets were falling, but daren’t mention it to Charley who was weakening his pint of Pedigree by crying into it.  Charley tried to remind me that he was a Durham man really, but I don’t fall for that stuff any more.  He consoles himself with some sausages and sausage rolls as nibbles – very nice with the Pedi.

Everything went right for Middlesex in the morning.  Ed Smith must have juggled Foster three or four times before holding on to the slip chance, for example.

Five down at lunch – what a great start for Middlesex.  We’re told that Chester-Le-Street is rained off for the day.

 

Luncheon

We take luncheon in the Coronation Gardens.  Pastrami and Swiss rolls washed down with a nice South African red.  We watch some youngsters playing cricket on the lawn – as usual Charley can hardly hold himself back from joining in.   Eventually the ball comes my way, so I indicate that I’d like to bowl it back.  I bowl a piercing Yorker at the lad who digs it out very well.  “Oh”, says the school master (straight from central casting in look and voice), “would you mind bowling him another?”  Naturally I oblige; another Yorker, another good safe defensive shot.  Charley looks well left out.  “May my friend have a go?” I ask.  “Of course,” says the school master.  So Charley takes the heavy-rubber practice ball and bowls a bouncer, which the young batsman leaves to sail a couple of inches past his nose.  “That’s what I was telling you about Andy Roberts” says the schoolmaster, “fiendish bouncers he bowled”.  How can you bowl a bouncer at a kid like that?  Charley’s problem is that he gets overexcited very easily, where cricket is concerned at least.

 

Lovely afternoon weatherwise

Given the weather forecast, and the fact it was clouding over, we thought we’d be lucky to see much cricket after lunch.  But the tiny shower soon cleared and Middlesex took a quick wicket after lunch.  Bichel joined Middlebrook and there they stayed for what seemed like ever.

We went to the bowlers bar and got chatting with some friends of mine – some more recent Lord’s acquaintances, some old friends from years gone by.  We drank, we watched a bit, we wandered round to the Upper Edrich, we wandered round to the Mound Stand.  We watched.  We ate some more (smoked salmon rolls, ginger biscuits).

Charley, of course, became increasingly Essex as the day went on and as the game turned Essex’s way.  Indeed, by the end he was telling me tales of bravery walking through Romford Estates at 3.00 a.m. or some such.  I wasn’t really listening.

Bichel holed out as soon as he reached his well-deserved 100.

The new ball did nothing – indeed Kartik and Joyce were bowling with it by the close of play.  Joyce had a big caught behind shout turned down.

 

So What Went Wrong for Middlesex?

Losing Murtagh right at the start was a huge blow.  If only we could have finished Essex off when we had them on the ropes, but now this match looks like a tough one, unless we can post a monster first innings score.  Frankly, there seems to be nothing in the wicket so perhaps that monster score is possible.

Rymps’ bowling looked well below par to me.  Silvers, Vaas and Kartik all bowled well but three main bowlers ain’t enough.  Kartik in particular I thought deserved more luck.  Ben Scott looked woefully out of sorts behind the stumps.  Most of the fielding was energetic and fine – the odd lapse but there usually is when in the field all day.

And you have to hand it to Middlebook, Bichel and latterly Tudor who batted well and made the most of the circumstances.

And of course the inspired captaincy of Pettini, not declaring on 97/6.

As always, of course, I still enjoyed my day at Lord’s.  As I always say on these occasions, I cannot spend a day watching 1st class cricket and not enjoy it.  And of course, as always, Charley “The Gent” and I have developed a cunning master plan for winning our “UnPro 40” match this year.  Our plot last year was so successful (we won at a canter) we actually need an even more cunning plan this year to ensure that we win, but only just.  Similarly, I don’t mind if Middlesex merely scrape a win out of this match now!  Indeed, a 12 point draw would be fine from here.

If by any chance anyone is still reading and wishes to see the scorecard from this match, here is a link to that very card.

England v West Indies, Day One and Day Two, Old Trafford Test, June 7 & 8, 2007

The usual Heavy Rollers gig is Edgbaston, of course, but this year there was to be no test match in Brum.

Indeed, there has been much musing and debate since June 2007 as to whether this outing comprises a Heavy Rollers event or not.

In short, it does as far as I am concerned.

The evening before the match started, we were supposed to have a net at Old Trafford.  Charles had arranged it all.  The Old Trafford lot had been reluctant at first, priority for test match teams, can’t have oiks in the same nets as international players, blah blah.  But when Chas explained that it was our tradition to net at Edgbaston the night before the match (based on a sample of one previous occasion, the year before, negotiated through similar reluctance), someone at Old Trafford was daft enough to relent and take our booking…but was then too polite to tell anyone to keep the place was open for us.

Result – disappointment the night before – only consolation being an amazing meal at Yang Sing (yes, my idea, yes, I know what I am doing, Chinese food-wise) for the four of us who had ventured that far north.  Given the fuss-pot group involved: Nick, Harish, Charles and “me-no-fuss-pot” , the Yang Sing team worked wonders with a feast with plenty of food for all to enjoy.

The first day at the test was a day to watch England batting pretty well.  Chas was still fidgeting about the net; I suggested that our best chance of real redress (i.e. a net) was to try and get them to allow us a net the next morning before the start of play.  So we went to see the indoor school people and managed to find a suitably apologetic and sympathetic lady.  She agreed that we had been seriously inconvenienced, to the extent that merely getting our money back was not adequate; she also managed to arrange for us to have our net at 9:00 am, before play the next day.  She even arranged for us to have a parking space at Old Trafford when the inevitable question came up.  Yes, Chas could then leave the car at Old Trafford all day.  Quite a result.

So in the end, we were able to drive into old Trafford for Day two of the test early in the morning, as if we owned the place.  Into the nets and let the fun commence.  Around the time I came to have my bat, a small posse of West Indian stars turned up in the adjoining net.  I especially remember Ravi Rampaul bowling to Shiv Chanderpaul.  I also remember having to encourage the heavy roller guys to bowl at me rather than rubbernecking at the adjoining nets.

Whether Shiv Chanderpaul rubbernecked to observe my technique I couldn’t say, as naturally I was concentrating hard on my batting – watching the ball all the time, all the way.  But Shiv did make a 50 that day, so I suspect he picked up a few ideas through observation in those nets.

The day got weirder once we were in our seats.  Someone behind us spent more or less the whole day on his feet in a Borat mankini.  He and his mates were also doing some strange business, passing around a whole cooked chicken while singing its praises.  And of course the inevitable Old Trafford beer snakes etc., as was the case Day One.

I also ran into Mike Redfern and a bunch of his mates from the Red Bat Cricket Collective. I noticed the Red Bat shirts walking past us and stopped the guys, asking them if they were by any chance still in touch with Mike.  “We sure are – he’s sitting over there with us”, was the reply.  Really nice to see him again.

Of course we went home at the end of Day Two (driving off into the sunset straight from the ground), but the test remained weird after we left Manchester, with a streaker incident the next day. Strangely, that incident was recently (at the time of writing, December 2015) reminisced about on King Cricket – here.

For the actual cricket, here’s the scorecard.

Tufty Stackpole v The Children’s Society, North Crawley CC, “Match Report”, 30 July 2006

With thanks to Charles Bartlett for the picture.

Brace yourself for a long one, dear reader.

The following report, on the 2006 match between Tufty Stackpole and The Children’s Society, played at the Tufties home ground, North Crawley CC, runs to over 3,500 words.

But this report is Charles Bartlett’s favourite, so it must have something going for it. I suspect that Charles’s pseudonym, Charley “The Gent” Malloy, which I started using the following season, was born in the first paragraph of this report.

Match report by Angus Martin-Blofeld

 Changes at the top

No-one knows precisely why the captaincy of The Children’s Society team changed hands before the match.  Some say that Tufty Stackpole insisted upon the change, as they were desperately keen to pitch their skills against a side that was to be captained incisively.  Others suggest that it was merely a generous gesture on the part of Charles Bartlett to allow Ian Harris a once-in-a-lifetime chance at captaining a big match.  The most plausible rumour, however, is that a major Buckinghamshire betting syndicate preferred the match price based on Ian Harris’s captaincy, so Mr Bartlett was tapped on the shoulder and politely told, “this ain’t your day, Chucky, we’re going for the short-end money on Harris”.  So Harris got a shot at the big match and Chucky got a one-way ticket to Palookaville.

The morning before the night after the morning after the night before

Preparations on The Children’s Society side were going badly.  Heinrich had already pulled out of the squad a few days before the match with an unspecified squash injury.  He was to be replaced by Andrew Britten-Kelly (ABK), brother of Richard Britten-Kelly (RBK).  (Presumably the younger of these two might be known as “Little” Britten-Kelly).  Problem is, Heinrich can bowl whereas ABK (with all due respect) can bowl the odd straight ball but then shows distinctly Harrisesque bowling qualities.

Then, at the 59th minute of the 11th hour (OK, it was 10.00 p.m. the night before the match), Kyle, the team’s off-spinner, sent Harish a text message to say that he’s been had up for being drunk and disorderly and will be spending the next 24 hours in the cells rather than at the match.

[Editor’s note: the precise nature of Kyle’s excuse is lost in the mists of time.  Some say there was mention of injury rather than imprisonment.  We find the young offender angle more in keeping with The Children’s Society aims and values, so choose to embellish the tale in that direction] 

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.  Harish was immediately on the blower to RBK.  Harish remains cool, calm and collected at a time of crisis like this.  “Richard, you’ve got to do something.  Kyle’s pulled out so we’re another bowler short.  Ian will kill us.  Charles will kill us.  The Tufty’s will slaughter us.  Help!  Help!!”

RBK also remained cool, calm and collected.  “Don’t panic!  Don’t panic!” he screamed, while running around the room.

[Editor’s note: running around the room in a panic, while on the telephone, is a much safer activity than it used to be.  In the old days, the telephone cable would get twisted around the panic-monger’s leg, often bringing the poor wretch to the ground and causing an additional injury scare for the team.  These cordless phones are much better for pre-cricket-match panicking purposes].

“You must know somebody who’ll play at short notice”, screamed Harish, “you are South African after all”.

RBK thought deeply for a moment, while removing shattered bits of telephone from the wall, and from his left hand, and from ABK’s right hand.

[Editor’s note:  Yup, that’s the one disadvantage of these cordless phone beasties, of course; untrammelled panicking is halted only on impact with walls and other people]. 

“The only person I know who is crazy enough to drop everything at such short notice is ‘Big Bad Simon’ who is as tall as Charles Nall and Will Jefferson, bowls wicked fast and doesn’t take prisoners”, said RBK.

“We’re desperate, Richard, we’ll take him”, said Harish.

Thus, the side had a full complement of eleven, but with far more pace in the attack than originally envisaged.

A tale of two captains

For several days before the match, Trevor Stapleton and Ian Harris were fine-tuning their personal preparations for the match.

Trevor Stapleton wanted the complete 2006 left-arm orthodox spinner look.  He sallied forth to the “Sikh and You Shall Find” clothing emporium in Luton and was delighted to find a black sports turban, or patka, endorsed by Monty Panesar, in the style of the great man’s very own headgear.  Trevor wanted to sport “a full Monty”, i.e. the beard to go with it, but was politely informed that the emporium does not stock the false strange; it is the Sikh tradition to grow your own.

Meanwhile, Ian Harris, fresh from reading “The Art of Captaincy” by Mike Brearley, also aspired to a strange.  Brearley’s Ayatollah look had coincided with a particularly successful run as captain.  Sadly, Ian left this strange decision a little late, so he turned up on the day of the match looking more Bob Geldof then Ayatollah in the facial hair department.

Coincidentally, Ian Harris also chose to sport some exotic headwear; a brightly-coloured Guatemalan bandanna of the Ramneresh Sarwan variety.

Captains have a lot of sartorial matters to think about ahead of a big match; it’s not all strategy, logistics and press conferences you know.

A massive erection

For many weeks before the big match, the sound of bulldozers and construction workers could be heard across the verdant fields in the normally quiet village of North Crawley.  (Not another extension to Stapleton Manor, surely).

Without so much as a planning application or even a quiet “do you mind?” chat with the neighbours, the village cricket club had decided to erect a new stand in honour of their visitors.  No pleas, no injunctions and no threats with big dogs were going to dissuade the Tufty craftsmen from their task.

The night before the match was a particular low point in the construction schedule.  The new stand absolutely had to be ready for the big event the next day.  Frankly, it wasn’t ready.  In fact, work on the stand was still at a relatively early stage.  In truth, it had not started.

Geoff Young, a handy fellow if ever there was one, took hold of the situation. Making expert use of existing materials readily to hand, some ply wood and some paint, Geoff rode roughshod over health and safety considerations and produced a massive erection emblazoned with the legend “The Ian Harris Stand”.  Geoff figured that the visitors would be so impressed by the quality signage, they might not notice that there wasn’t much of a stand to speak of.  Geoff, as is so often the case, was right.

Arrival of the TCS troops

Under the incisive captaincy of Ian Harris, The Children’s Society team arrived well ahead of the match start time for warm-ups, team strategy sessions, nets, throw-downs, throw-ups and all that sort of thing.  Last to arrive was the “Britten-Kelly Gang”, with their last-minute signing “Big Bad Simon”.

“Hoezit”, said Big Bad Simon.

“Not out”, said Ian.

“Sis”, said Simon, looking none too happy.

“Simon’s just trying to be friendly”, said RBK, “hoezit means hello in Afrikaans”.

Remembering everything he’d learned from The Art of Captaincy, Ian Harris decided he needed to engage directly with this fellow to get the most out of him.  Ian got out a step ladder, climbed to the top and addressed Big Bad Simon face to face.  “I’d like to have a quick look at you in the nets”, said Ian.

Big Bad Simon bit the head off a chicken, kicked a passing poodle and replied, “eish”.

“It’s OK, he’ll do it”, said RBK, helpfully.

So off they all went to the nets.  No-one is sure whether Ian Harris even saw either of the balls that smacked him on the upper thigh, but Janie certainly saw the bruises the next day.

“Lekker” said Big Bad Simon each time he hit the body.  That means “nice”.  Ian Harris made careful notes of these one and two syllable words that might make all the difference in motivating his player.  Ever box free, Charles Bartlett made his excuses and left the nets pretty quickly.  Ian suggested that his bowlers shouldn’t tire themselves out needlessly in the nets.

Enter the Tufties

Meanwhile several Tufties arrived at the stadium.  Handshakes all round.  Not for the Tufties the early arrival and endeavours in the nets.  Not for the Tufties the lengthy look at the wicket and the fierce debate over whether to bowl or bat if the toss was won.  Supremely confident in their own surroundings, the Tufty Stackpole team assembled effortlessly, almost imperceptibly.

Glenn Young was baited by Charles for agreeing to play with a broken finger some days ahead of his doctor’s orders.  Trevor Cooper tried to unnerve the Children’s Society players by talking up the Tufty Stackpole team.  Geoff Young explained that the sound system had been delayed in traffic, so that the match would have to begin without music.  Charles Bartlett looked on the verge of tears at this news.

The toss

Trevor Stapleton and Ian Harris, in their respective headgear, strode out to the middle for the toss and to agree playing conditions.  Incisively, Ian called tails and indeed it was tails.  The Children’s Society would bat first, for the first time in the history of this great fixture.

A cheer went up from the Children’s Society ranks.  There were plans to carry Ian aloft, shoulder high, in honour of his first and massive achievement as captain.  But wait!  The Tufty team dissuaded the Children’s Society masses from making that gesture.  There was a far more important gesture planned.

Trevor Stapleton gathered all around and made a speech of warm welcome to The Children’s Society, unveiling the Ian Harris Stand.  Ian responded with heartfelt thanks.  Charles Bartlett muttered about the absence of a Charles Bartlett stand.  He also muttered that he didn’t want to go out to bat without the stentorian strains of Jerusalem ringing in his ears, but the sound system was still some miles away.

The Tufty team took these vocal matters into their own hands.  Tufty Stackpole formed a guard of honour for the opening batsmen, Charles Bartlett and Ian Harris.  Those two veterans of so many matches past, strode out to bat through that guard of honour, who were belting Jerusalem at the tops of their voices while shaking hands with the incoming batsmen.  What an emotional moment.

The Children’s Society Innings

The Children’s Society innings started at a furious lick.  Tufty Stackpole chose to open the bowling with Geoff “Murali” Young.  Although a so-called off-spinner, Geoff has four additional variations; the doosra, the straightonna, the quicker ball and the one that always somehow gets Ian Harris even if it is a pie.

Ian Harris, as usual, started to nudge and nurdle to get the scoreboard ticking and rotate the strike.  More importantly, during that first over, Charles Bartlett hit a sumptuous straight drive through mid off for four off Geoff’s bowling.  Remembering everything he’d read in The Art of Captaincy, Ian knew that now was the time to motivate the batsman.

“Blimey, Charles, I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Nor did I,” simpered Charles, choking back the emotions.

Another quick single by Harris off Nick Cooper got Charles Bartlett back onto strike.  Then, disaster.  Charles maintains that the ball nipped back ferociously off the seam.  Some wise heads maintain that such a delivery must have been a no-ball, cruelly missed by the umpire.  But those close to the action (other than Charles) submit that Charles played the Piccadilly while the ball went straight down the Bakerloo and that was the end of him.

That heralded the arrival of Mat Watson, The Children’s Society wicket-keeper and thorn in the side of Tufty Stackpole in several conflicts past.

Soon after that, Ian Harris tried to heave a Geoff Young pie into Bedfordshire.  The fizzing off-break cruelly took a bit of bat, a bit of pad and a bit of the wicket on its path.  Wise heads maintain that such a delivery must have been a no-ball, cruelly missed by the umpire.  Suddenly the sound system was up and running.  Always Look On the Bright Side of Life.  Very droll.

Enter Harish, promoted up the order; more incisive captaincy by Ian Harris.  Harish and Mat batted beautifully together, maintaining the momentum set by the brave openers at 5+ an over.  The rate never fell below 4.5 and was 5+ for almost the whole innings.

The sound system did its worst, especially once Ian Harris added an iPod full of sounds to the substantial collection of Matt and Kerry, that outstanding DJ pairing of fixtures passim.  While Mat (the Bat, not to be confused with Matt the DJ) and Harish scored their runs, the DJs played Heatwave, Viva Las Vegas and Dreadlock Holiday.  The crowd, well, Janie and Ian anyway, danced themselves dizzy. The afternoon was suspended in that glorious haze that only a brilliant cricket match can conjure.

Eventually Harish fell to a good one.  Laurel and Hardy.  Very droll.  But that only brought Marko to the crease and the momentum continued to build.  Wickets fell at fairly regular intervals, but everyone from The Children’s Society chipped in and the momentum rarely faltered.

Nick Cooper was the most economical bowler – 2/33 off his full 8.  Trevor Stapleton threatened to keep the runs in check, but a couple of his overs went south – 1/49.  The surprise bowling package was star batsman Nick Church, who was pricey but effective – 3/41.

Mat, as is becoming his habit, anchored the innings, 66 runs off 104 balls.  Marko Bekker scored a quickfire 45 (lekker, Bekker) and Rob Morley the Aussie bowler with a very useful “40”, although even Rob admits that the scorer probably gave him a few of ABK’s runs.  Malcolm from the helpdesk, a genuine all-rounder, chipped in with a quick and useful 20-something.  Even Big Bad Simon, batting at number 11, hit the last ball of the innings back over the bowler’s head for 6.  258/9 off 40 overs.

Mid innings pondering and fuelling

While substantial, indeed a record score for the fixture, everyone remembered that the previous year’s match had been a tie: 254 playing 254.  258 was very much “of that order”; it should be enough, but at the same time it could quite conceivably be surmounted.  What a fixture.  Three innings and only 4 runs between those scores.

Some chowed down.  Some ate with restraint.  Some were so excited at the prospect of the next innings they couldn’t possibly digest food.

[Editor’s note: the author admits that he didn’t actually meet anyone who was so excited they couldn’t eat.  But the sentence does give the appropriate dramatic build to the report, so it has to stay]

Ian Harris consulted with his bowlers and his vice-captain, Charles Bartlett, to plot the defence of their total.  Not one cream cake passed the captain’s lips, he was so busy planning and consulting.  Such commitment.

Trevor Stapleton, meanwhile, made some serious headway into a hearty tea and advised his players to do their best.  What a trooper.

The Tufty Stackpole Innings

They say that captaincy is 90% luck and 10% skill, just don’t try it without the 10% skill.  Well, Ian Harris certainly used up his ration of luck on this match.  Soon after Trevor Cooper fell early to a good ball from Malcolm, that same Malcolm was lurking down at long leg while Adam Hinks bowled to Colin.  A relative whippet, Colin calls Mike Archer for a second never thinking that Malcolm might attempt the bowler’s end with his throw. “Bowler,” screams Malcolm and throws to the bowler’s end in the hope that Adam can gather the ball and run the man out.  But Adam wasn’t needed.  A direct hit at a vast distance saw Mike Archer go in most unfortunate circumstances.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, soon after, Glenn Young, early in his innings, hits a ball hard to mid off – where Adam Hinks wears it on the body and takes the catch.  A yard either side and it would have been four.  Had Ian Harris (mid off to the right-hander) and Adam swapped over for the left-handed Glenn, that probably would also have been four, carrying Ian over the rope with the ball, all the way from mid off.

On such small matters can victory and defeat hinge.  But in any case The Children’s Society were bowling a consistent and pacey line and length.  Adam’s first spell from the Bowling Green End had not been quite his best, but Malcolm’s first from the Bungalow End applied pressure and Big Bad Simon seemed well equipped to cope at the Bowling Green End.  Rob Morley was no relief at the Bungalow End; although he went wicketless he was in many ways the pick of the bowlers 0/30 off 8.

Over 15 seemed the right time for a change of pace and The Children’s Society sought another breakthrough.  Although the run rate seemed under control and the Tufties were 3 down, everyone knew from past experience how quickly such a match can get away from you.  That wicked-fast outfield and the short boundary on the Ian Harris Stand side of the ground.  Also, those Tufties bat all the way down and have previous in holding back some surprise hitters into the late order to bamboozle their opponents.

Enter The Children’s Society’s partnership breaker, Charles Bartlett, from the Bowling Green End.  As if to order, a simple catch is spooned to mid off where RBK, possibly still picking broken bits of telephone out of his hand, drops a sitter.  “Can’t you get your fielders to blooming well catch?” yelled Bartlett.  “No I can’t”, replied the captain, “I can put them in the right positions but I can’t make them catch”.  Charles Bartlett took some tonk for the rest of the over, which turned out to be a one-over spell.

When Charles Bartlett returned from the Bungalow End, another simple catch went begging, this time ABK (also probably down to the freak telephone/hand injury).  “What is it with those Britten-Kelly’s?” said Charles, somewhat uncharitably for the former captain of a charity team.

Meanwhile the asking rate kept creeping up and the wickets were falling at fairly regular intervals.  Nick Church top scored with 38 but rarely looked completely comfortable and offered more than one chance before he fell.  Harish managed one of those juggling drops where you feel that the fielder had three or more chances to catch it but still didn’t make it.  Ian Harris knows all about those and made incisive but sympathetic noises when these rare aberrations occurred.

Eventually, Nick Church hit one very straight but also very high.  Marko and Malcolm converged (incisive captaincy that, best fielders at long off and long on at that stage of the match – youngsters reading this report in search of instruction should note).  Was there to be a dreadful accident?  “Mine” yelled Marko in a masterful voice at which point no-one (apart from Marko) believed for one moment that the catch might be dropped.  In any case it wasn’t and Nick was gone for 38.

Trevor Stapleton provided an anchor role and hit some lusty blows for his 33, before falling to a deceptively straight delivery that he fancied sending into the bungalows and probably would have done had he hit it.

Several others chipped in with some good shots and cameo innings, but with 15 overs to go and more than 10 an over required, that wasn’t going to be enough.  Adam Hinks returned, this time from the Bungalow End, and bowled a superb second spell at the death, returning 2/31 off his full 8.

The Children’s Society pleaded with the late order batsmen to sacrifice their wickets or retire so that Geoff Young could get a bit of a bat at the end of the match, but the Tufties would not oblige and Geoff was shouting coded instructions from the sidelines, such as “stay out there.  I don’t want to bat” and that sort of thing.  188/8 off 40 was the final score.

And so to the pub

The awards ceremony and raffle was held in the pub, as is the tradition of the fixture.  Firstly, there was a grand cake to be cut by the highest scoring batsman of the day.  Mat was about to leap out of his chair and start cutting cake as effectively as he had cut the short delivery a few hours earlier, but Masters of Ceremonies Stapleton and Archer soon intervened.  Relying on an ancient playing condition from the village annals of 1737 (which looked suspiciously like a dusty old ledger from the back of the pub), 7 runs per year were to be added to the score of any visiting player over the age of 50.  That made Charles Bartlett the cake-cutter and thus he cut the cake.

Then those Masters of Ceremonies tried to turn defeat into victory by relying on the same strange playing condition, adding 3 runs per year to the home score for each home player over 50.  Remembering everything he had learnt from the Art of Captaincy about respecting the strange traditions of far-flung places when playing away, Ian Harris diplomatically responded that these playing conditions sounded perfectly reasonable and had they been agreed upon before the match would naturally have been applied.  However, that not being the case, the conventional score should stand.  This was agreed unanimously.

In interview afterwards, Ian Harris informed this reporter that he had a further finesse up his sleeve, the even lesser known Edward Rudolf playing condition in which both teams score gains 10 runs for each left-hander inflicted on them by the opposition team.  The Children’s Society out of politeness has always withheld from using this playing condition.

Ian Harris further pointed out that the Tufty Stackpole playing condition of 1737 can only remain effective until October 2006, when the new Age Discrimination legislation comes into full force.  Mercifully, therefore, this particular debate could not legitimately occur next year.

With the outcome resolved, The Children’s Society accepted their trophy and the match awards were duly made.  Nick Church and Adam Hinks won sets of Owzat dice as Man of the Match for each team.   Mat Watson and Trevor Stapleton received match balls for their superb efforts.

The raffle was drawn, beer and cake flowed long into the night and a very good time was had by all.

Most importantly, the raffle raised more money than ever and Tufty Stakepole even managed to stiff Ian Harris for £50 a year ground rent (to The Children’s Society of course) for the Ian Harris Stand!

A Conversation With My Neighbour When Staying at the Beechwood Hotel, 24 to 26 May 2006

The following is a note I wrote up on my jotter while staying at the “hell hole” that was the Beechwood Hotel in Edgbaston for the Sri Lanka test match in May 2006, as written up comprehensively – click here.

The Beechwood Garden and Roller. With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.
The Beechwood Garden and Roller.
With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.

It relates to a conversation I had with my next door neighbour.

The door to the next room was wide open. At first I thought my neighbour was engaged in conversation with someone – perhaps in the room but unseen by me, perhaps on his mobile phone. As I put the key into the lock of my door, he yelled out, unmistakably at me, “hello young fella. We’re neighbours, mate”.

‘Young fella’ is an endearing moniker once you get to my age. (These days only stewards at Lord’s and front of house staff at the Wigmore Hall still seem to use it for me.)

I took a couple of steps back and greeted my neighbour. He was certainly alone in the room and as far as I could tell had not been talking to anyone other than himself before I arrived.

He was bare chested – a strange sight in an old Victorian house/hotel in that Midlands City in spring – indeed I was going to my room to get an extra layer for the evening. He was drinking a can of lager.

“Sorry mate, I’m a bit pissed”, he said. It was 18:30 – probably par for his course.

“No problem”, I replied, “why not? You enjoy yourself.”

“That’s the spirit”, said my neighbour, “you going out for the evening?”

“That’s right”, I said.

“Well you have a good time, mate”, said my neighbour.

“And you have a good evening too”, I replied.

“That’s the spirit, mate”, he hollered after me as I scuttled the few steps along the corridor, quickly opened up the door to my room, grabbed my jersey, locked up again and fled for the evening.

The Worst Place We Have Ever Stayed In For Cricket, England v Sri Lanka at Edgbaston, 25 & 26 May 2006

The Beechwood Hotel Garden and Roller. With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.

How did our regular Edgbaston (and occasionally other grounds) visiting group, the Heavy Rollers, end up staying at possibly the worst hotel of all time? After all, we comprise a bunch of reasonably discerning, sensible people.

The very worst hotels only happen to stupid people, right?  Wrong.

But this event does needs some context and explanation in our defence before the exposition.

Context

For several years, our excursion was based around the Wadderton Conference Centre, which was the Children’s Society place in rural Worcestershire, just outside Birmingham. David Steed, who was one of our number in the Heavy Rollers, ran the place and lived on site. The Children’s Society was pleased for a bit of income from guests in the quiet summer period and it was mighty convenient and pleasant for us, with a suitable garden for pre-match cricket antics.

Just in case anything ever happens to the local paper on-line, a scrape of the above link about Wadderton can be found here.

Reports on those pre-test-match games held in the Wadderton gardens are now available on Ogblog, not least the one from 2004 linked here and below:

But Wadderton had closed down permanently in the 2004/2005 winter.

In 2005 we spent one splendid night, before the match, at Tye Towers. We then spent on night at Harbourne Hall – VSO’s equivalent place to The Children’s Society’s Wadderton – a place to which we returned subsequently several times before it declined.

But for some reason people, after that first stay, wanted an alternative. It was perhaps perceived as too far from the ground (although it was much closer than Wadderton). Perhaps people felt it reminded them too much of Wadderton without “being” Wadderton.

David Steed, living locally, said he’d sort something out.

Now David Steed, bless him, ran Wadderton wonderfully and was subsequently a superb host at his Birmingham house. But he possibly wasn’t the best judge of a hotel. Cheap and near the ground seemed sufficient criteria for him. His e-mail a few weeks before the match:

Accommodation is confirmed as previously written about and subsequent telephone chat at Beechwood Hotel on the Bristol Road approx. 200 yards from the main entrance at Edgbaston…

…No deposits required and as we have spoken – do people want to come early enough on the Wednesday to perform on our local green followed by supper at ours with a meal out locally or in Brum on the Thurs. night. Any thoughts ?

That “subsequent telephone chat” was not with me. Anyone dare to confess?

Of course, in a more modern era we might have looked at TripAdvisor or one of its competitor/predecessor sites to check the Beechwood Hotel, but back then those web sites didn’t exist, or barely existed.

The earliest reviews of the Beechwood Hotel on holidaywatchdog.com, for example, were in 2007. Let’s just say that I would not have dreamt of staying in a place described by one reviewer as:

“Hell hole”

…while another reviewer pleaded:

“DO NOT STAY THERE, you’d be better off in a cardboard box.”

Indeed, if you want a laugh, do look at those reviews in full on the above link to the Beechwood Hotel page on holidaywatchdog.com – indeed here is the link again.

The “gentleman” who held himself out to us as the owner/proprietor, I suppose must have been the infamous Tom mentioned in several of the reviews.

Just in case anything ever goes awry with holidaywatchdog.com, here is a scrape of that delicious reviews page.

Exposition

Nigel recalls that the main light in Adam’s room didn’t work because the light bulb had blown. When Adam approached Tom for a replacement light bulb, he was told to fill in a form to apply for a replacement – the replacement was thus not forthcoming during our stay.

The place was presumably used in part as a sort-of social services half-way house for people who were having a multitude of difficulties. I shall post an aside presently based on my notes about my alarming next door neighbour – (update: now posted here).

Although David had promised us that the rooms came

“each with private bathroom”…

…I seem to recall having to toddle down the corridor to get to said bathroom. “Private”, I suppose, does not necessarily mean “en suite” in this Beechwood world. I also recall some very inappropriate jokes about Zyklon B from my companions during conversations about those ghastly showers.

But the most bizarre conversations were with Tom, who tended to sidle up to us in the bar/common parts areas of the hotel and bend our ears with tales of his roller-coaster and/or imagined past. I made some fragmented notes:

“I was a millionaire at 21…a multi-millionaire at 24…lost it all at 33. I’ve been out with Miss Jamaica, Miss Bromsgrove, the lot. I had an Aston Martin – would cost about £125,000 today. Do fast cars while you’re young, young man, you won’t fancy it once you are your dad’s age. I made a million when a million was real money. When a million was really a million…”

…you get the idea.

But Tom was not the owner/proprietor, if the little bit of Companies House due diligence I have done this weekend (another form of on-line check not readily available back then) is reliable. Tom must have been employed as some sort of manager by the owners; his name does not appear on any of the Companies House papers for the Company that owned the property, 199-201 Bristol Road, it was owned by members of a family, named, perhaps ironically, Kang.

A couple of years after our stay, the place was a squat for Earth First Social Justice Permaculture warriors, as evidenced by the following links:

(Just in case anything ever happens to the Earth First website or to the Birmingham Mail, I have scraped the relevant pages here).

The company that owned the property was only struck off a few months ago at the time of writing, December 2015, so I imagine the property is now in the hands of the Mortgage provider, Nat West, who surely could find some property developer somewhere who might adapt the premises into some jolly useful affordable housing in leafy Edgbaston.

Two Nights and Two Days of Cricket

Why were we there?  Oh yes, cricket.

We had a net at Edgbaston itself on the Wednesday evening. I’m not entirely sure how our evening panned out, but – having now also seen an e-mail from Nigel sent to us ahead of the trip – I suspect that the net was late afternoon – Nigel’s e-mail suggests 17:00 start – and that the game on David’s local green was therefore a that same evening at, say, 19:00.

I also suspect that my conversation with my Beechwood Hotel neighbour – click here- was also that same first evening, while I was popping back to the room to get an extra warm layer ahead of the evening activities.

Anyway, the muck-about game on David’s local green, the night before the test match started, did not go well for me, as evidenced by this page of my jotter.

2006 Muck About Cricket

Nigel “Father Barry” and son did well, as did a local lad, Craig, who wandered along and asked if he could play with us.

Harish (Harsha Ghoble) also had a good go, although I do recall bowling him on one occasion with one of my moon balls which descended vertically onto the stumps. “How are you supposed to play a ball like that?”, complained Harish. Nigel then dispatched my next, similar ball for six. “Like that”, said Nigel.

I also recall lots of bites on my legs afterwards, although whether those were from the green or the hotel is a matter of some conjecture. Perhaps a bit of both.

Postscript March 2017 – the scorecard relic and narrative about the park muckabout game is  a false memory from 2006 – that happened in 2008 and the text is transposed to that piece, together with a link to Charles Bartlett’s wonderful 2008 photographs that helped me to disambiguate. It seemed a ridiculous idea, that we had a net AND a muckabout in the park the same evening…it was ridiculous – didn’t happen.

The dinner at David’s on the Wednesday evening was typically delicious and (equally typically) the wine flowed plentifully. We had a great evening, that Wednesday before the game.

Heavy Rollers 2006 With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.
Heavy Rollers 2006
With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.

I don’t remember all that much about the test match, but I do recall that England did well and here is a link to the scorecard which proves such.

Light Rollers 2006 With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.
Light Rollers 2006
With thanks to Charles Bartlett for this picture.

I’m not 100% sure where we ate on the Thursday night, but I think it was that year we went to a local Indian place near Steed Towers. Others might recall better. I think I was in “Beechwood Hotel shock” by then. It really was not a place for the faint-hearted.

Or, as Charley the Gent Malloy would put it, “that hotel was no place for a wuss.”

Unforgettable Days With The Heavy Rollers, Days One & Two Of THAT Edgbaston Test Match, 4 & 5 August 2005

All Photographs By Charles Bartlett Except Where Indicated (This one by a steward, probably Paul Guppy, on Charles’s camera)

Even before we got to Edgbaston, the 2005 Heavy Rollers gathering was going to be one of the most memorable ever, by dint of the wonderful late afternoon and evening we had spent at Tye Towers the previous day, playing cricket and enjoying a glorious summer barbeque together.

We all stayed at Tye Towers. Janie recalls that I sent her a lengthy SMS message (now lost in the mists of time and/or recoverable only by the security services) waxing lyrical about the wonderful time we were having.

Charles got up early the next morning and took a stroll around “the estate” with his camera, taking all the following pictures before 7:00 am.

We thought we had allowed bags of time to get to Edgbaston & into the ground for the first ball. We were used to going to Edgbaston for the first day of the test match. But we hadn’t accounted for the massive early queues (previously unprecedented at Edgbaston – at least in then recent times) and the additional security required, as there had been a major terrorist incident on London transport only a few weeks earlier. Indeed, Nigel’s son, Adam – himself an occasional Heavy Roller and guest star in our charity cricket matches – had been on one of the bombed trains; mercifully Adam far enough away from the explosion not to be injured.

Adam Hinks – rolling with us the following year

Returning to the queue on the morning of 4 August 2005, our mood regarding the match to come was one of great hope but diminished expectation, on the back of England having played a poor game at Lord’s leaving England 1-0 down in the five match series. I had spent a couple of days at that Lord’s test…

…a link to my Ogblog postings on that match will appear here in the fullness of time…once those postings are writ…

…we all knew that England would need to up its game considerably to catch up and overtake Australia in the series. This Edgbaston test was crucual.

Then, suddenly, one of our number (I think it was Charles but it might have been Harish) took a call from Kyle Bullock, who was working at The Children’s Society HQ at that time.

Kyle had played in the annual Z/Yen v Children’s Society cricket match in Regents Park a few weeks earlier. Kyle had cruelly dismissed me in that match with an off-spinning delivery that bounced and spun even more than I had anticipated, clipping my glove and thus yielding a catch. To add to the cruelty of that dismissal, the spitting cobra of a spinning ball had clipped a joint on one of my fingers which, despite the so-called protection of a glove and the relative slowness of the ball, had led to trigger finger pain that was sustained for several months. Kyle simply thought this was funny whenever I mentioned it to him.

Kyle at Tufty Stackpole Match 31 July 2005

On the positive side, Kyle had played an important part in one of the most exciting cricket matches I have ever played, click here or below) just a few days before we set off for Bedfordshire and Edgbaston.

At the time, we thought of Kyle as “an Aussie”. In fact, he is, like many people, someone whose nationality and sporting allegiance is somewhat divided between Australia and England. In fact, Kyle’s allegiance for those Ashes leant towards England, we subsequently discovered.

The reason I labour all of this seemingly superfluous material, is the fact that Kyle informed us, by telephone, that Glenn McGrath, Australia’s most reliable bowler at that time, had injured himself in warm-ups and was out of the match, possibly out of the series.

At first we all thought this was a wind up. I had already suffered that summer at the hands of Kyle’s spin and was not going to buy this unlikely-sounding story easily.

But within moments a whisper started to go through the queue and the ground, as plenty of people around us were listening to radios and/or taking calls from friends. The truth of this perhaps-series-defining story was confirmed.

We soon also learned that Australia had nevertheless elected to bowl having won the toss.

Our hope (and that of England fans everywhere) was well and truly restored.

Intriguingly, Nigel’s recollection of the McGrath incident is quite different from mine, as he, Jeff Tye and The Steeds came in separate cars from me, Chas, Nick and Harish. They were entering the ground at a different (probably slightly earlier) time. Nigel writes:

It was the amiable Brummie steward [Paul Guppy] who informed me/us of the ‘unfortunate’ McGrath accident…[Paul] appeared joyful in the sense of “ I know summink amazing that you don’t”. He sensed our doubts as he had, until then, had a tendency to enjoy the odd wind up, to put it kindly. “I should know, I helped put him into the back of a car”. His insights may have been shared elsewhere, but we self importantly formed the impression he had made a beeline for us! Word started to spread as a result…hopes began to escalate.

Paul Guppy a couple of years earlier winding me up

Here is a link to a match highlights video that, like this article, covers the first two days of the match. You’ll need to survive some adverts before you see just over 30 minutes of footage.

Above embedded video from The Daily Motion.

The video shows the queue of people entering the ground through the Pershore Road entrance, which is the entrance we use, but the queue was much longer than that shown when we arrived in it.

The video highlights for the first two days of this great match also include an infeasibly large number of shots showing us Heavy Rollers in the crowd – especially shots from the first session of the match. I suppose we stood out for the cameras that year, being lined up in our red Heavy Rollers shirts.

Here’s an example screen grab from the above video. Don’t ask how much fiddling around it has taken to grab that. It is c4’36” into the film.

David (floppy hat), Jeff, Dan, Nick, Chas, Hippity, Monkey-face, Nigel, Me, Harish (obscured) – this photo grabbed from the Daily Motion as video above.

Lunch was a typically wonderful picnic (see Heavy Rollers reports passim), I think a joint effort provided by the Steeds supplemented by the Tyes – not least Liz Tye’s iconic scotch eggs, which Nigel recalls her contributing on several occasions…surely this being one of them… and Samina’s samosas – Samina being a colleague of Nigel and especially Jeff’s from the Bedford office of The Childrens’ Society. Samina contributed samosas for our trip on several occasions.

This picnic actually from 2003

This picture of a home made scotch egg by Kolforn (Wikimedia), CC BY-SA 4.0

This picture of home made samosas by Fantaz, CC BY 2.0

Chas, Nigel & Jeff were still star struck from their previous exploits blagging their way into the old Edgbaston pavilion – see Heavy Rollers write ups passim, in particular the 2003 one linked here and below…

In 2005 they did it again, with Chas taking several photos including the following:

Kevin Pietersen, taken while wandering at or just after lunch

The following ones from within the pavilion on the stroke of tea Day One…don’t ask!

And one just after tea, proving that Chas, at least, hung around for the whole of the tea interval.

You were a bit obsessed with KP at that time, Chas. Pinning hopes…

The evening meal was at an Indian Restaurant (or should I call it a Balti House in Birmingham?) on the recommendation of the Steeds (“Peels”) and a jolly good recommendation it was too, as evidenced by the following sole photo of the evening.

Some faces and arms almost as red as the red curries

We stayed the night at Harborne Hall – our first of several stays there. Why we rejected the place in 2006 in favour of the worst hotel ever in the entire world…

…is a bit of a mystery. But I digress.

Another mystery is why Chas took one…but only one…picture on Day Two of the match.

Andrew “Freddie” Flintoff

I can only imagine that Chas felt that he had failed to catch an image of his favourite player on Day One, so returned with his camera determined to put matters right on Day Two…which he certainly did with the above image.

We had a great time on Day Two, much as we had on Day One. David Steed once again did the honours with a splendid picnic and all seemed well with the world as we left the ground at the end of that day.

Shane Warne’s dismissal of Andrew Strauss towards the end of Day Two kept us all thinking that, despite England’s healthy-looking lead, the game was far from over…

Photo by PaddyBriggs at English Wikipedia, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

…and oh boy was the game far from over.

Here and below is a link to all of Charles’s photos from the match itself.

IMG_1621

The wonderful Daily Motion highlights reel (repeated below) shows an insightful view of those two days of unforgettable cricket. Top viewing for Heavy Rollers and non-Rollers alike. For The Heavy Rollers, it was an unforgettable, life-affirming gathering over three days as well as an unforgettable match.

Above embedded video from The Daily Motion.