Self-explanatory pollution in the atmosphere meets slow news over the summer lyric. Contains some good lines:
_ SUMMER SMOG SENSATION _
(To the Tune of “Summer In The City”)
VERSE 1
Ozone, summer in the city, Ghastly poison fumes make asthmatics feel shitty; No air, isn’t it a pity, Nobody can breath this summer in the city; All around, pleurisies and asthmas, Better off just smoking, better wear a gas mask.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Go out in a London smog, Asphyxiate your dog; This weather story is a crashing bore, Better spice it up with dead labradors, And pugs – then folk are sympathetic, They’re mugs – cos the news is pathetic, In the summer in the city, What a bummer of a ditty.
VERSE 2
Hot stuff, summer in the city, Photojournalists snapping bums and titties; Great shot, photograph ’em pretty, Prowling round the parks this summer in the city; All around, even at a bus stop, Take the pictures quickly, before they cough their guts up.
OUTRO
Our paper is quality, Now only twenty pee; Is this the Sun or the Time’s claim, These Murdoch papers now are just the same, They’re lame – like the News of the Screws, Stay sane – watching our News Revue, Cos it’s rummer and it’s witty, Stop this number, do a skitty……..
(Straight into a short sketch on smog or newspaper price wars).
Here is a great video of The Lovin’ Spoonful performing Summer In The City:
https://youtu.be/U5bUmx-hk-c
Below, same track again, with lyrics on the screen:
Heather was a client of Stanley Bloom’s, so I did a bit of work for her through that.
Anyway, it seems I wrote this topical lyric to mark the collision of the comet Shoemaker Levy 9 with the planet Jupiter…
…what do you mean, you don’t remember that event in July 1994? Here’s a short CNN news video with pictures and stuff…followed by my lyric:
_ JUPITER FIRE _
(Duet for Patrick Moore and Heather Couper to the Tune of “Great Balls Of Fire”)
VERSE 1
PATRICK:Some say it’s a cosmological sign, HEATHER:This comet Shoemaker-Levy 9; PATRICK:I’m Patrick Moore, HEATHER:Oh what a bore, BOTH:By jove, bright mauve, Jupiter fire.
VERSE 2
HEATHER:I came along and I said stars are super, PATRICK:I hate that daft cow Heather Couper; I’ve got more zeal, HEATHER:I’ve sex appeal, BOTH:Goodness gracious weird TV stars.
MIDDLE EIGHT
PATRICK:Kiss me Heather, HEATHER:Ughhhhh – no hope; PATRICK:Wondered whether, You might erect my huge pork telescope.
HEATHER:You’re in trouble, PATRICK:A bit like Hubble, HEATHER:A screw or two’s come lose so you both see double, double.
VERSE 3
BOTH:We wait for years and we do all our sums, Jupiter’s smashed up by these earth-sized crumbs; We’re both in orbit, Everyone else ignores it, Goodness gracious great non event.
Below is a video with Jerry Lee Lewis singing Great Balls Of Fire with the lyrics on the screen:
I don’t think I liked the idea of privatising high-security psychiatric Hospital Broadmoor
_ PRIVATISING BROADMOOR _
(To the Tune of “Lullaby of Broadway”)
CHORUS
MEDICS:Go on the streets and see the loons, We’re privatising Broadmoor; Releasing fruits and loony tunes, While privatising Broadmoor; Depressives under subway trains, And crazies driving taxis; So watch out for those red blood stains, On Rippers, Bates’ and Max’s.
VERSE
SOLO MEDIC:When a Broadmoor inmate says he’s well, He’s merely psychopathic; And once he’s out you soon will tell, He acts erratic.
OUTRO
(During the outro a “Horror Movie Crazy” enters with e.g. axe, bloodstains, general gothic gore) MEDICS:Goodbye, Crazies, Goodbye, The Tories are in power; Sleep tight, Ladies, Sleep tight, Just don’t take a shower; CRAZY:Mother!!!!!!!! MEDICS:We’ll get deep cuts privatising old Broadmoor. CRAZY:Hi, honey, I’m home!!!!!
Below is The Andrew Sisters singing The Lullaby Of Broadway with lyrics on the screen:
Below is Winifred Shaw singing Lullaby Of Broadway in the original version of the song, from Gold Diggers of 1935:
Ben Murphy 12 July 1994 [address redacted] Wells Somerset
Dear Ben
SONGS
As promised, Ben, here are those new songs. Hope you can use them. I think the Camilla one is easily adaptable into a solo. Possibly also the Jeffrey and Virginia ones.
Looking forward to receiving the tapes soon. (And subsequently also some dosh from the tapes also!!)
I really like this mini medley – really complex rhymes but I think they work and have humour.
I think it was used a fair bit – Jeffrey Archer was rarely out of the news.
JEFFREY ARCHER MEDLEY
(To the Tunes of “We’re in the Money” and “I Say a Little Prayer For You”)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER
CHORUS: He’s Jeffrey Archer, he’s Jeffrey Archer,
He’s in the grot but not with spots posterior;
He’ll lose his money, he’ll lose his money,
This Lord, assured a fraud and cheated Anglia.
JEFFREY: Oh, I wanted to be Chairman, of the square men with clout,
With DTI inspection on reflection its beyond all doubt.
CHORUS: He’s in the do-do, he’s in deep do-do,
His title’s stifled it’s an honour amongst thieves.
I BUY A LITTLE SHARE OR TWO
JEFFREY: The moment I wake up, I think of some lie to make up,
Then buy a little share or two;
MARY: He’s most unappealing, cos he’s been insider dealing,
And had the odd affair or two.
JEFFREY: I’m wary that Mary has stuck by my side throughout my troubles,
MARY: His fiction caused friction, but I’m worth a pile and he’s worth double,
JEFFREY: I’m flagrant,
MARY: I’m fragrant,
BOTH: But in a short while we’ll be uncoupled,
JEFFREY: Which means back to harlots for me. (Jeffrey starts to spruce himself up)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER (REPRISE)
JEFFREY: I’m Jeffrey Archer, I’m Jeffrey Archer,
I’ve got a lot of what they call insider shares;
CHORUS: He’s in Armani, he’s in Armani,
He’s rich and kitsch some bitch can handle his affairs;
JEFFREY: Oh I am a model Tory, seeking glory and fame,
As I have lots of gall I shall frame a fall guy for the blame;
CHORUS: He’s in the Torys, he’s in the Torys,
He’s got a lot of what it takes to be let off.
Here is We’re In the Money, 42nd Street Style. with the original lyrics:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5ryRnUSBN0
Here is Ginger Rogers doing We’re In The Money from Gold Diggers of 1933:
…and here is Aretha singing I Say A Little Prayer For You, with lyrics on screen:
I wrote a minor update 9 January 1995, which I think helped this medley back into the show:
JEFFREY ARCHER MEDLEY – VERSION 2
(To the Tunes of “We’re in the Money” and “I Say a Little Prayer For You”)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER
CHORUS: He’s Jeffrey Archer, he’s Jeffrey Archer,
He’s in the grot but not with spots posterior;
He’ll lose his money, he’ll lose his money,
This Lord, assured a fraud and cheated Anglia.
JEFFREY: Oh, I wanted to be Chairman, of the square men with clout,
With DTI inspection on reflection its beyond all doubt.
CHORUS: He’s in the do-do, he’s in deep do-do,
His title’s stifled it’s an honour amongst thieves.
I BUY A LITTLE SHARE OR TWO
JEFFREY: The moment I wake up, I think of some lie to make up,
Then buy a little share or two;
MARY: He’s most unappealing, cos he’s been insider dealing,
And had the odd affair or two.
JEFFREY: I’m wary that Mary has stuck by my side throughout my troubles,
MARY: His fiction caused friction, but I’m worth a pile and he’s worth double,
JEFFREY: I’m flagrant,
MARY: I’m fragrant,
BOTH: But in a short while we’ll be uncoupled,
JEFFREY: Which means back to fast cars for me. (Jeffrey swerves, Mary stops him from falling)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER (REPRISE)
JEFFREY: I’m Jeffrey Archer, I’m Jeffrey Archer,
I’ve got a lot of what they call insider shares;
CHORUS: He’s in Armani, he’s in Armani,
He’s rich and kitsch that bitch can handle his affairs;
JEFFREY: Oh I am a model Tory, seeking glory not jail,
As I have lots of cash I shall crash my car and tell the tale;
CHORUS: He’s in the Torys, he’s in the Torys,
He’s got a lot of what it takes to be let off.
Written in July 1994, revived in October 1994, I’m unsure how well this did in the show, I’m pretty sure I saw it performed.
I rather like it.
In those days, of course, no-one knew that Camilla would emerge as Chuck’s other half – she was perceived as his bit on the side back then.
CAMILLA
(To the Tune of “Diana”)
VERSE 1 – CHARLES SOLO
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah,
Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah;
CHARLES: I’ll be King and you’ll be Queen,
‘Tho folk don’t know where we’ve been;
I don’t care when press berate,
I shall never abdicate;
There’s always adultery,
In the British monarchy,
Oh please rule with me……..Camilla.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Camilla enters during this)
VERSE 2
CAMILLA: Then the press gave us lots of stick,
Over where you dip your wick;
When we ride a cross country course…
CHARLES: …I confuse you with my horse;
She’s so young and you’re so old,
But I have been Parker-bowled;
CAMILLA: Please don’t match me with Diana.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Queen & Philip enter during this)
MIDDLE EIGHT
QUEEN: Stupid Charlie,
CHARLES: Sorry mother,
QUEEN: Don’t let on you have a lover;
Take a tip from dad and me,
BOTH You just don’t talk to Dimbleby. (PHILIP: You’re a bloody wimp, boy!)
VERSE 3
CHARLES: I still find Diana duller,
QUEEN: Camilla is no water-colour;
PHILIP: She looks like my old dog Rover,
QUEEN: But Charles had her three times over;
CHARLES: I’ll go ruin an architect,
QUEEN: You command naff-all respect;
CAMILLA: Oh please God spare me the Windsors. (EITHER: blackout….
OR: Queen, Philip and Charles, incredulous at this outburst, hound Camilla off the stage).
Here is Paul Anka singing Diana – you need to click through to read the original lyrics underneath the YouTube:
As promised, I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of a few new songs with longevity, and the older ones I think might have a shot at Edinburgh. They are virtually all this years songs with success plus shelf life. I have also included “Yasser” which was too late for Edinburgh last year and seems to be back in the news now.
…”can you write a different one along similar lines?”…
…which I could do, of course. I even quite like this one, which focuses on the health secretary, Virginia Bottomley:
_ VIRGINIA _
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1
DOCTORS:Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts, You’re closing more hospitals daily; Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues, We’re begging you please, do not close, PATIENT:Do not close.
VERSE 1
A DOCTOR:Doing sums from dawn till night, While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight; (DOCTORS:….doing sums…..) PATIENT:I got up cos I got bored, But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.
CHORUS 2
DOCTORS:Virginia, we’re only two star, You’re shaking our confidence daily; PATIENT:Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees, My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn. DOCTORS:Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
CHORUS 3
DOCTORS:Jubilation, we’re three star again, We do all our work in out patients; PATIENT:Ruination, I won’t walk again, They do all their work without patients. (Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)
Below is a video of Simon & Garfunkel singing Cecilia with the lyrics on the screen:
A couple of new ones. The only recording I have of Flintstones is a great pastiche in the style of Bruce Springsteen. It’s a shame we don’t have a saxophonist! Hope you like the songs.
A couple of rewrites and a couple of new ones. The only recording I have of Flintstones is a great pastiche in the style of Bruce Springsteen. It’s a shame we don’t have a saxophonist! Hope you like the songs.
