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I’m pretty sure that Brian Ellsbury, who was the MD for the Charles Riley run, is this geezer.
Brian Ellsbury 17 April 1994
News Revue
Dear Brian
SONGS/SKETCHES
Here’s the stuff I promised you on the phone. Please pass them on to Charles once you’ve had a look at them.
I look forward to seeing you again next week.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
encs
This lyric refers to the very public marital breakdown between singer-songwriter Billy Joel and the model Christie Brinkley.
Many Billy Joel song titles are scattered throughout the lyric.
_ YOU’RE STILL LOOKING OLD TO ME _
(A Duet For Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley To “It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me”)
VERSE 1
BILLY:What’s the matter with my old wife lately?
CHRISTIE:Don’t you know that I’m Christie Brinkley.
BILLY:Why complain about the way I treat you?
CHRISTIE:Cos you say that I’m old and wrinkly.
BILLY:It was months ago that we separated,
CHRISTIE:And even longer since you ejaculated.
BILLY:Face lift, skin shift, plastic for your boob drift,
You’re still looking old to me.VERSE 2
CHRISTIE:What’s the matter with the clothes I’m wearing?
BILLY:Can’t you tell that you’ve spent to much.
CHRISTIE:Maybe I should buy some nice fur collars?
BILLY:Then you’ll look just like Basil Brush.
CHRISTIE:Why are you not writing songs lately honey?
I can’t look good unless I spend a lot of money.
BILLY:Uptown, downtown, even one called Allentown,
CHRISTIE:They all sound the same to me.MIDDLE BIT
BILLY:Oh it doesn’t matter what I Tell Her About It,
Cos I want you Just The Way You Aren’t;
CHRISTIE:In my mind My Life spun, Only The Good Die Young,
When my ‘copter crashed down in the park,
BILLY:Shame that it wasn’t Iraq.VERSE 3
BILLY:What’s the matter with the girls I’m dating?
CHRISTIE:Don’t you know that they’re much too young.
BILLY:You’re just jealous cos you’re no spring chicken,
CHRISTIE:They should put you in an Iron Lung.
BILLY:Don’t you know that I’m a new man honey,
CHRISTIE:Soon the CSA will get your last bit of money.
BILLY:Wrong bloke, I’m broke, spent it all on snorting coke,
She’s always a scrounger to me.
CHRISTIE:Stingy Billy’s saying that he’s skint now,
Funny, but he’ll still pay me alimony.
Below is Billy Joel singing It’s Still Rock’n’Roll To Me:
Here is a link to the lyrics of It’s Still Rock’n’Roll To Me.
Lyrics was more my thing, but occasionally I’d try my hand at a short sketch or a quickie…with only moderate success.
FRIENDLY FIRE
(Two US Marines, one private and one officer, are observing the night sky.)
PRIVATE:Sir. We’ve been stuck out in this hell hole for months now. Will no one or nothing save us from this fate worse than death.
OFFICER:Shut the fuck up Spunkmeyer and keep watch.
PRIVATE:Yessir.
(in a state of some excitement)
Look, Sir, up in the sky. Is it a bird……is it a plane…….
OFFICER:Who gives a damn, Shmuckburger. Gun down the sonofabitch.
PRIVATE:Yessir. Rightaway, Sir.
Charles Riley 11 April 1994
News Revue
Dear Charles
MORE SONGS ETC
Thank you for the call this morning. And Brian’s call this evening. I think I got the message. You want a recording of Video Killed The Radio Star. Well here it is. And also…
RWANDA
This has gone down very well with my test market this evening. I hope you like it.
EUGENE TERRE’BLANCHE
Jonathan Linsley keeps nagging me to update this epic from Paula’s run of 1992. As you seem desperate for a different angle on South Africa I thought I’d have a go. Again, the test audience thought it seems very topical and fresh with the few changes.
MAD FROGS
I was very reluctant to tinker with this one as I feel it is largely topical without change. I have changed the Mostar line into a Gorazde line to reflect the latest news. Note also that the Mogadishu line now reflects more recent events.
I’m looking forward to seeing the show on Thursday. I hope this little package is some help. Do get in touch if I can help with anything else.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Had I known what a terrible, genocidal civil war was opening up at the start of April 1994, I would not have written this lyric. The sentiments in it are fine; such a war is a bad idea; but not in the form of a musical parody.
_ RWANDA _
(To the Tune of “Oliver”)
[OPTIONAL INTRO
VOICEOVER:And now we go over to the United Nations Security Council, where the Rwandan Foreign Minister is explaining his country’s crisis to the Secretary General, Mr Boutros Boutros….Boutros.
RWANDAN:Please sir, we’ve gone to war.
BOUTROS:What?
RWANDAN:Please sir, we’ve gone to war.
BOUTROS:War!! But wait! Before I take this land to task, may I be so curious as to ask its name?
ALL:Rwanda….]OPENING BIT
Rwanda, Rwanda, the nations so poor but it still goes to war;
Rwanda, Rwanda, they’d not go to war if they knew what’s in store.MIDDLE BIT 1
Now an air crash, back lash, has left Bantu nations both leaderless;
To lose one’s misfortune, but to lose two leaders seems more like carelessness.CLOSING BIT 1
Rwanda, Rwanda, Burundi’s had more of the poor and the war;
They must rue the day, they separated from Rwanda.MIDDLE BIT 2
They are Bantu Hutus, with Twa pygmy tiny minorities;
Now there’s tribal war, they’ll tread on their Tutsi’s who were the authorities.CLOSING BIT 2
Rwanda, Rwanda, colonial rule made these tribes lose their cool;
They must rue the day, the Belgians came and took Rwanda.
Below is the song Oliver, Oliver from the musical Oliver! – the relevant bit starts about 90 seconds into this video:
Angels In America is a two part play. I can only talk about the first part, Millenium Approaches, which Janie and I both thought was very good indeed.
We were both due to see the second part, Perestroika, the next day, but I got a bout of the raging trots and was confined to my bed instead.
Here is a link to the Theatricalia entry for Angels In America, which covers both parts.
What a cast! Daniel Craig, Susan Engel, Clare Holman, Stephen Dillane, Harry Towd…directed by Declan Donnellan too.
I insisted that Janie go alone to see Perestroika and she told me at the time that it was not as good as Millenium Approaches. But was she saying that just to be kind or was she saying that because she got less enjoyment without me or was she saying that because actually the first part is the better part?
Here is the Wikipedia entry for both.
No on-line reviews from the RNT production back then, sadly. Here is a New York Times transcript from 1993…
…and here is Michael Billington’s review from 1992:
Billington On Angels Kushner Sat, Jan 25, 1992 – 21 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
I can only assume that the book Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs by John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) was announced around this time.
I gave it the lyrics treatment and I think this one went down well in NewsRevue.
_ ROYALTIES IN THE UK _
(To the Tune of "Anarchy In The UK")
(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. novel-iste, be-ography etc)
INTROWrite now……(that’s w.r.i.t.e. ha ha ha ha)
VERSE 1
I was an anarchist,
Now I’m a novelist;
I still can’t pronounce and I still seldom rhyme,
I wanna compose a book of prose;
Cos I wanna Bi-ography.VERSE 2
Not all the Pistols could survive,
Vicious is an adjective;
It also is a proper noun,
I think I’d better write that down.
Cos I wanna be literary.VERSE 3
A history of the punk age,
Use a safety pin to mark the page;
You wouldn’t have bet,
That I am literate,
But this author’s scheme,
Is for an income stream.OUTRO
Cos I wanna see royalties,
(And I don’t mean the monarchy);
I want literary royalties,
(From the public library),
Cos I wanna be wealthy!!
Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:
Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:
The British National Party (BNP) was the most prominent far-right political party in the UK at that time. I wanted to have a rant about them and who could blame me?
I don;t think this lyric has enough going on though, so unsurprisingly I’m pretty sure it wasn’t used.
_ BNP _
(For Skins and Niceguys To the Tune of "ABC")
INTRO
Do-do-do, do-do-do; do-do-do, do-do-do;
VERSE
SKINS:We’re born and bred in Millwall,
Which is also known as Isle of Dogs;
SKIN 1:I-I-I’m proud to be a Brit cos I’m as thick as shit,
SKIN 2:We hate Jews and gays and wogs.
NICEGUYS:Now now now fascism is rising {SKINS: rising, rising}
NICEGUYS:From London to Ukraine {SKINS: where the hell’s Ukraine?}
NICEGUYS:To preach foul prejudice,
All you have to do is join a group like this.CHORUSES
SKINS:The BNP, ain’t Liberal Democracy,
My factional tendency, is Nazi,
BNP is the group for me.
NICEGUYS:BNP, bigoted policy,
God help the Bangladeshis, who must be,
All at sea with the BNP now.
NICEGUYS:Fascist louts are dumb,
Senior Berlusconi won the eye tie vote with tit and bum.
SKINSBNP, like fascists in Italy,
{NICEGUYS:BNP is evil it is full of racist people
SKINS:Just purchase Milan AC, and TV,
{NICEGUYS:Tit and bum
And Saatchi for your victory.
NICEGUYS:Cos that’s how racist hate achieves,
In West Ferry and Italy,
So don’t cede,
To Nazis!!!.
Below is a video with The Jackson 5 singing ABC and the lyrics on the screen:
25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.
Jacques Delors was President of the European Commission. Ken Clarke was Chancellor of the Exchequer, [Douglas] Hurd was Foreign Secretary.
Virginia Bottomley was the Health Secretary at that time. I gave her the lyrics treatment several times, most effectively in You Can’t Hurry Trusts:
Michael Heseltine (Hezza) was Trade and Industry Secretary. Rhyming with his name was central to one of another of my long-runners; I’ll Never Find Another Job:
Coincidentally, Janie and I saw Hezza at a Pepys-themed concert at the Wigmore Hall only last week, as I write:
But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:
_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _
(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you meet Delors?
A larger block vote with no concessions,
Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions;
I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about,
Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out;
MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do,
To get us out of deep deep swine do?VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES
What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley,
MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES
What do you get when your leader falls?
Another arsehole with no direction;
But still we should win the next election,
You’re bound to vote us in again,
(God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.
As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.
I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
VERSE 1
What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.MIDDLE EIGHT
Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
Some folks say we’re unelectable,
Even though we’re Eurosceptical..VERSE 2
What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen:
What I knew about contemporary television could have been written on the back of a postage stamp in 1994 – I hadn’t had a TV for years.
But I did know who Julie Goodyear was, because my parents watched Coronation Street regularly.
_ JULIE GOODYEAR QUICKIE _
(To the Tune of "I want to sing in opera")
(Manchester accent is virtually compulsory for this quickie)
VERSE
I want a show like Oprah’s,
I’ve got her kind of chat;
I don’t much look like Oprah,
For one,I’m not so fat.CHORUS
I’m Julie Goodyear,
But Oprah has nought she should fear,
Although I’ve now got,
My soap Oprah,
It has not proved so popular,
So far.
(Ta very much and goodnight).
Click here for a video of Patricia Routledge singing I Want To Sing In Opera – the chorus comes in around the 54 second mark. It won’t embed.
