Andy Coleman / Dan Clark
News Revue
11 January 1998Dear Andy/Dan
I enclose my new/unused material together with a tape of the sounds.
If you want any of my “archive material” rewritten or some tweaks to the enclosed songs, let me know. Also, if there are any subjects which you feel desperately need a song – give us a call.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Ian
Song Title
Original Title/
Artist Approx.. No. of weeks performed at Canal Cafe
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
geoffrey robinson
mrs robinson / simon and garfunkle N
that’s what we call news revue that is the end of the news / (noel coward) performers unknown N
beef bones dry bones / fred waring and the pennsylvanians N
gaudy dames
gaudete / medaeival baebes N
spin talk wizard
pinball wizard / who N
Geoffrey Robinson, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 January 1998
Geoffrey Robinson was the Paymaster General in Tony Blair’s first government. He lost that job in late 1998 over the Peter Mandelson home loan scandal covered by version two of the lyric below.
Coincidentally, that Mandelson home was a few blocks away from my flat; I still go past it on my way to the health club and for some time back then Mandelson himself was to be seen there.
GEOFFREY ROBINSON
(To the Tune of “Mrs Robinson”)CHORUS 1
So here’s to you, Geoffrey Robinson,
Tony loves you more than you will know (wo, wo, wo);
What’s that you say, Geoffrey Robinson?
Havens hold a place for those who pay (hey, hey, hey, hey hey hey).VERSE 1
We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files,
We’re glad that you have learned to help yourself;
Look around and you will see unsympathetic eyes,
In the treasury, where you feel so at home.CHORUS 2
What’s in your past, Geoffrey Robinson?
Madam Bourgeois loved you as we know (ho, ho, ho);
Down on your knees, Geoffrey Robinson,
God knows what you’ve licked to earn your pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).VERSE 2
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes,
Stuck away in Guernsey in your trust funds;
It’s a little secret, just the Robinson’s affair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the pressCHORUS 3
Coo coo catchoo, Geoffrey Robinson,
Money sticks to you as we all know (wo, wo, wo);
Rolling in cash, Geoffrey Robinson,
Vested offshore in a tax free way (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).VERSE 3
Sitting in your mansion on a Sunday afternoon,
Going to the conference debate;
Laugh about it, shout about it, when loop holes are lax,
Only little people need pay tax.OUTRO
You’re not quite like John deLorean,
At least he built a factory or two (woo, woo, woo);
We’ve news for you, Geoffrey Robinson,
Gordon Brown has ways to make you pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).
I also wrote an update of this one 22 December 1998:
GEOFFREY ROBINSON VERSION 2
(To the Tune of “Mrs Robinson”)CHORUS 1
So here’s to you, Geoffrey Robinson,
Tony loves you more than you will know (wo, wo, wo);
What’s that you say, Geoffrey Robinson?
Havens hold a place for those who pay (hey, hey, hey, hey hey hey).VERSE 1
We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files,
We’re glad that you have learned to help yourself;
Look around and you will see unsympathetic eyes,
In the treasury, where you feel so at home.CHORUS 2
What’s in your past, Geoffrey Robinson?
Madam Bourgeois loved you as we know (ho, ho, ho);
Down on your knees, Geoffrey Robinson,
God knows what you’ve licked to earn your pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).VERSE 2
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes,
Stuck away in Guernsey in your trust funds;
It’s a little secret, just the Robinson’s affair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the pressCHORUS 3
Coo coo catchoo, Geoffrey Robinson,
Money sticks to you as we all know (wo, wo, wo);
Rolling in cash, Geoffrey Robinson,
Vested offshore in a tax free way (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).VERSE 3
Sitting in your mansion on a Sunday afternoon,
Going to the conference debate;
Laugh about it, shout about it, when loop holes are lax,
Only little people need pay tax.OUTRO
Who’s your fat friend, Peter Mandelson?
Geoffrey bought a lovely house for you (woo, woo, woo);
It’s just on loan, Peter Mandelson,
Geoffrey will find ways to make you pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).
Below is Simon & Garfunkel singing Mrs Robinson:
Gaudy Dames, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 January 1998
Mediæval Bæbes was a bit of a thing back then. Janie and I were just starting to take a real interest in early music around that time. I bought their debut album, Salva Nos.
But there was something about this commercialised form of mediæval music that bothered me, so I gave The Bæbes the NewsRevue lyric treatment.
GAUDY DAMES
(To the Tune of “Gaudete”)CHORUS 1
Gaudy dames, gaudy dames some sing soprano,
We are named Medieval Baebes, gaudy dames;
Gaudy dames, gaudy dames, some sing contralto,
Sensuous poses, low cut drapes, gaudy dames.VERSE 1
We’re a bunch of choir girls who have shot to stardom;
We’re as pure and virginal as a Turkish harem.CHORUS 2
Blowsy dames, blowsy dames, who sing in plain chant,
We’re like Spice Girls minus spice, blowsy dames;
Cows may say, cows may say that we’ve had implants,
Torture post-medieval ways, cows may say.VERSE 2
All of us are Virgin girls signed to Branson’s kingdom;
Hope he makes his duff balloons elsewhere than his condoms.CHORUS 3
Lousy pay, lousy pay now we are pop stars,
We’re still paid medieval rates, lousy pay;
God may say, God may say we sing like angels,
But its hell to hear us rant, God may say.VERSE 3
We can all be photographed so we look like lovelies;
Tho’ without a special lens look like teletubbies.OUTRO
Cow like shapes, cow like shapes, not that you’d notice,
Clever angled camera takes, cow like shapes;
Gawd the strain, gawd the strain stuck in this corset,
Thumb screws would seem like a break, gawd the strain.
Below is a version of Gaudete performed by the Choir of Clare College Cambridge:
Lunch/Dinner With Michael & Elisabeth Mainelli Plus The Waste Land by T S Eliot, Wilton’s Music Hall, 3 January 1998
We weren’t expecting to see a show that day. Michael and Elisabeth invited us over “for the day” being a bit unspecific about the meal time, but suggesting that we might all take a swim in the pool of their newcapartment block. But, unbeknown to us, their plan was to serve an early meal and then pop out to see Fiona Shaw perform The Waste Land under Deborah Warner’s direction in Wilton’s Music Hall – within spitting distance of Michael and Elisabeth’s new place.
Good plan.
I recorded in my log that the piece was short and OK. I’ve never been over keen on The Waste Land as a piece of poetry. Fiona Shaw is of course marvellous and would probably hold one’s attention if reciting from the telephone directory.
Janie was intrigued by the T S Eliot aspect, as she had treated and continued to treat Valerie Eliot for many years.
Most interesting about the evening was seeing Wilton’s Music Hall, which had not been used for a performance for over 100 years and looked suitably distressed. I’m not sure that the health and safety brigade would today allow a performance in a place quite so distressed, but it was great to see it at that time. It has since been somewhat more revived.
Lyn Gardner warmed to the whole idea in The Guardian:
Waste Land Guardian Gardner 16 Dec 1997, Tue The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
In the Standard, Robin Stringer reviewed the place with Nicholas de Jongh reviewed the show:
Wilton’s Waste Land Standard Stringer de Jongh 15 Dec 1997, Mon Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
Charles Spencer in the Telegraph predictably preferred the poem to the place and grudgingly paid homage to Fiona Shaw:
Waste Land Telegraph Spencer 16 Dec 1997, Tue The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
David Benedict waxed lyrical about the whole thing in The Independent:
Waste Land Indy Benedict 13 Dec 1997, Sat The Independent (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
A very memorable day and evening from our point of view.
The Invention Of Love by Tom Stoppard, Lyttelton Theatre, RNT, 27 December 1997
We normally liked to see these “Cottesloe-type plays” at the Cottesloe, but we missed the boat with this one, seeing it a few month’s later at the Lyttelton.
Not really our cup of tea, this one. Janie isn’t all that keen on Stoppard in general and I found this one “a bit slow”.
I suspect we were both exhausted having worked all the way up to Christmas and then done the family bit for Christmas itself. I can see that Janie arranged a cab for Pauline, so I suspect this is the Christmas that Pauline came to the house and was thoroughly rude to my mum, dad, Hilary, Jacqui and Len – Len tried snipping back – good for him.
But away from the real life drama, this Stoppard drama was about A. E. Housman, with a marvellous cast, including John Wood as “the man in old age” and Paul Rhys as “a younger version of the man”. Also a selection of the usual suspects for fine National Theatre character acting, including Michael Bryant, Robin Soans, Benjamin Whitrow and John Carlisle. Richard Eyre directing – at the National for the last time. There is a Theatricalia entry – here.
Nicholas de Jongh in The Standard loved it:
Invention Standard de Jongh 02 Oct 1997, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
Paul Taylor in the Independent also loved it:
Invention Standard de Jongh 02 Oct 1997, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
My friend Michael Billington was also taken with it:
Invention Guardian Billington 02 Oct 1997, Thu The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
The Government Inspector by Nikolai Gogol, Almeida Theatre, 20 December 1997
“Back in the day” when we didn’t mind going off to the theatre in the pre-Christmas maelstrom.
Also back in the heyday of the Almeida. I’m glad we went, as this was a very good production indeed.
Tom Hollander as Khlestakov, the civil servant mistaken for the Government inspector. My neighbour, Iain McDiarmid, performing as the Lord Provost (rather than directing this time), Jonathan Kent directing. There is a Theatricalia entry for this one – here.
Nicholas de Jongh in The Standard was more taken with the production than the play…I am inclined to agree, not being a great lover of farce:
18 Dec 1997, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
However, my friend Michael Billington in The Guardian suggests that it is the production, not the play, that, if anything, errs towards farce in this instance:
20 Dec 1997, Sat The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
John Gross in The Sunday telegraph seemed to like it, admiring its universal appeal:
Waste Land & Government Inspector Sunday telegraph 28 Dec 1997, Sun Sunday Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
My records tell me that we ate at Granita after the show. As far as I know Janie and I didn’t make any sort of deal there in the Blair/Brown style.
A Few Poorly Explained Events In December 1997: Tropicana Restaurant With Bobbie & Roger, Bristol & Chinese Meal With Hussein & Saji, 5, 6 & 13 December 1997
Royal Swallow Hotel – Now Marriot Royal Picture by Elisa.rolle, CC BY-SA 4.0
The biggest mystery in this pack is the 5 December 1997 9:00 p.m. “Tropicana Restaurant with Bobbie & Roger”. Neither Janie nor I can remember Bobbie being with someone named Roger, nor can we remember a Tropicana Restaurant.
Not only that, but we checked in to the Royal Swallow in Bristol at 13:00 the next day, both having massages at 14:00 if Janie’s diary is to be believed…which it is. If I recall correctly, that was a treat to selves after a very busy time, which turned out to be a rather ordinary massage experience, a treat that we did not repeat at that place.
We’d have dined at Hilary & Chris’s place and exchanged Crimble presents, like you do…or rather like we did.
Chinese meal with Hussein and Saji (neighbours in Sandall Close) was, if I remember correctly, mostly me showing off my Chinese cooking skills after they had both admitted to knowing little about such cuisine the previous time we had dinner with them. I do vaguely remember that.
A “Works Outing” To Remember, From Detroit To Fung Shing Via Scissor Happy At The Duchess Theatre, 12 December 1997
One of the more memorable Z/Yen Christmas outings, this one.
In an attempt to start to big-up the event, we tried a west end evening, with bar drinks, theatre visit and dinner in a private room.
Perhaps the bar bit was not a great idea ahead of a silly play, Scissor Happy, that was relying on audience participation for laughs.
Anyway, we started in Detroit – by which I mean the bar in Seven Dials, long since defunct as I write 25 years later – not the City in Michigan, obviously.
Then we went to see Scissor Happy at The Duchess Theatre. I wrote the following in my theatre log:
Works outing for Z/Yen – went very well.
Michael Moore’s drunken interventions were especially memorable.
Michael was the husband of one of our employees – Rachel. He was significantly older than her, indeed older than the rest of us. At first his audience interventions went down well with cast and audience, but he got carried away and for a while seemed to think that he WAS the show.
I remember several of our number being embarrassed about this – not least Rachel – although I also recall hearing on exit other audience members debating whether that funny old geezer was a plant from the show or really a member of the audience.
The Fung Shing meal was excellent in out private room. At that time Fung Shing was, in my opinion, the best restaurant in Chinatown. Writing 25 years later, it is another long-since defunct place, sadly.
Returning to Scissor Happy, though – I wonder what made us chose that play? Some sort of lowest common denominator thinking? Or perhaps it came recommended by someone…certainly not me! Not my sort of play at all.
Nor Nicholas de Jongh’s, who described it as “piffle” in the Standard:
23 Oct 1997, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
Strangely, Charles Spencer in The Telegraph rather liked it, while admitting “it depends who is in the audience”. Too right!
24 Oct 1997, Fri The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com
Beef On The Bone Risk Compared With Christmas Risk, Z/Yen Public Relations Stunt, 5 December 1997
A government ban on the sale of beef-on-the-bone, in late 1997, was very unpopular. The worry was “Mad Cow Disease” or variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in humans, although the connection and risks seemed very low to many of us.
I wrote a tongue-in-cheek press release for Z/Yen, which you can read by clicking here…
…or, if by chance the Z/Yen archive goes awry before Ogblog does, I have scraped that piece to here.
In truth, it was written more as a personal rant and internal Z/Yen team joke for Christmas that year than anything that I thought might really generate press, but strangely the Daily Telegraph picked up on it, called me for a chat about it and then published this piece – extracted onto the then nascent Z/Yen web site here...
…or, if by chance the Z/Yen archive goes awry before Ogblog does, I have scraped that piece to here.
The beef-on-the-bone ban was lifted in time for Christmas (1999) – so never let it be said that I have no influence.
Submission To Andy Coleman Re NewsRevue, 29 November 1997
Andy Coleman
News Revue
29 November 1997Dear Andy
Glad to learn that you are doing the Christmas show and that you have gathered a great sounding cast.
I attach 1997 material which, in my opinion, has “best of” potential. I have recordings of all of these, so if you need recordings just let me know and I’ll drop them in to the Canal. (The Cafe, of course, not the actual wet place).
If you want any updates or rewrites (the attached material or other stuff of mine which you like) let me know.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Ian Harris