This is one of the numbers I wrote for show Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

Mike Ward ended up writing a lot of business for the Lou Ferrari character desperately trying to upstage everyone else and get a slot in the show for his solo. Here is the lyric.

 I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I CON

(Song to the Tune of “You Always Hurt the Ones You Love”)

 

LUIGI FERRARI – SOLO

 

VERSE 1

 

I always hurt the ones I con,

The ones I shouldn’t shaft at all;

I always take the greenest jerks,

And fleece ’em ‘til they’ve got naff all.

I always trick the desperate souls,

With a hasty scam I can’t recall;

So if I took your shirt last night,

It’s because I stuffed you most of all.

 

VERSE 2

 

I always stiff, the refugees,

Although I shouldn’t cheat and lie;

I always dupe the feeble toads,

Who are the weakest link, goodbye.

I always make the biggest bucks,

With a hasty hoax or quick disguise;

So if I skinned your hide last night,

It’s because I’m the most evil guy.

Here is a video of Paul Anka singing You Always Hurt The One You Love:

I’ve always liked the Spike Jones version of that song. Strangely, I found a vid with George Bettinger lip-synching the Spike Jones version. Coincidentally it has the Casablanca poster as a background. How weird is that?:

This is one of the numbers I wrote for Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

It was intended to be the first number used in the show – not quite an opening number but for sure a scene-setting number.

 GETTING DRUNK AT LOU FERRARI’S

(Song to the Tune of “Rum and Coca Cola”)

 

 

VERSE 1

 

If you’re in colonial Vichy France,

Meet your old flames just by happenstance,

Everybody else just comes to Wick’s,

But Ferrari’s an old dog with new tricks.

 

CHORUS 1

 

Getting drunk at Lou Ferrari’s,

On Coke and chilled Bacardis,

Papers, drugs and honeys,

Working for the funny money.

 

VERSE 2

 

Senior Ferrari is a git,

Full of invention, full of shit,

More Mister Nice Guy, no he ain’t,

Makes Jeffrey Archer seem a saint.

 

CHORUS 2

 

Getting stoned at Lou Ferrari’s,

On Coke and ganja brownies,

Papers, drugs and honeys,

Working for the funny money.

 

VERSE 3

 

Half way along the Greenstreet,

You’ll find his bar Pink Paraqueet,

Don’t ask for café or for latte,

Or you’ll end up as dead as poor Ugarte.

 

CHORUS 3

 

Getting bombed at Lou Ferrari’s,

Every night’s a party,

Papers, drugs and honeys,

Working for the funny money.

Here is the Andrew Sisters singing Rum & Coca Cola:

…or, if you prefer colour and movement, here are The Priester Sisters:

This is one of the numbers I wrote for show Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

It is an adaptation of one of my most successful NewsRevue lyrics, Mad Frogs And Englishmen, which was about the Bosnian War. That will be Ogblogged in the fullness of time.

Anyway, here is the version for Casablanca The Musical:

 MAD FROGS AND ENGLISHMEN – WW2 RESISTANCE VERSION

(Song to the Tune of “Mad Dogs and Englishmen”)

VERSE 1

In Moroccan climbs these are torrid times these days,

Where Vichy generals conspire to hang around in strange attire;

This Second World War has the Nazi’s cause affray,

And any wise guy with a bar is not prepared to serve those la-di-das all day.

Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tat – its just machine gun fire, ignore it, dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-do;

We make Jerry irate and the Vichy hate our guts, cos we resistance types are definitely nuts.

CHORUS 1

Mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing Hun,

Norwegians didn’t care to, Italians wouldn’t dare to;

The loss via the cross fire cannot be described as fun

But French and English weirdos are heros;

In Marrakesh when getting fresh the Gaullists run amok,

Down in Sofi the Berber’s trophy is a Gestapo troop’s left bollock;

In Rabat, the bureaucrats ensure no more work gets done,

While mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing Hun.

CHORUS 2

Mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing Hun,

Morocco is a posting where Germans get a roasting,

The local blokes sell fancy smokes, so black, red and gold get done,

The Free French all say Oui for a reefer;

In Tangiers the local queers like Nazis in uniform,

In Meknes and also Fes they write code in cuneiform;

In Casablanca,

No Nazi wanker,

Will stop us from having fun,

So mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing, pissed the advancing, hissed the advancing, kissed the advancing, missed the advancing, dissed the advancing, fist the advancing Hun.

Here is a vid of Noel Coward singing Mad Dogs and Englishmen

This is the closing number for the show, Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

Not the most politically correct lyrics I have ever written, but Mike Ward especially loves the final verse. Personally, I especially like the couplet:

When you hear the camels farting eight to the bar,

Then you know that Upper Volta ain’t very far;

Anyway, it’s not really about what I like (or what Mike likes)…the number does seem to go down well to close that show. Here are all the lyrics:

 THE OUAGADOUGOU CHOO CHOO

(Song to the Tune of “The Chatanooga Choo Choo”)

 

INTRO

Camel Trains, What’ja say?

Flee Casablanca any day;

Bend an ear and listen to my version,

Of a really whacky African excursion.

 

CHORUS

 

PASSENGER:      Pardon me, boy,

Is that the Ouagadougou Choo Choo?

MOROCCAN:     Track double-o,

There’s just the one place we go;

Can you afford, to board, the Ouagadougou Choo Choo?

PASSENGER:      Say fifty francs?

MOROCCAN:     Last price, sixty…..

PASSENGER:                                …..s’a’deal, thanks.

 

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

 

You get to Essouira station about quarter to two,

In another week or so you’re in Timbuktu;

Before you get that far, a,

Pit stop in Zagora,

Then you eat your cous cous while in Western Sahara.

 

When you hear the camels farting eight to the bar,

Then you know that Upper Volta ain’t very far;

One last stop in Kaya,

To get a little higher,

Woo-woo Ouagadougou there you are.

 

OUTRO

 

There’s gonna be,

A welcome party at the station;

All tits and spears,

They think their dinner’s appeared.

I’m gonna cry,

Unless we shift our arses we’ll be toast,

So Casablanca Choo Choo, take me back to the coast!!!

Here is a vid with Glenn Miller, his orchestra and his entourage performing Chattanooga Choo Choo: